I realized a few weeks ago that I’ve been an unfortunate victim of nostalgia. It lingers in every new friend I make, every good moment that passes, and every achievement I’ve accomplished. Every time I experience life’s highs, I’m automatically left with a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. It’s a problem that I have; not being able to fully enjoy the present because of the constant longing for a previous life that I used to live. Admittedly, it’s illogical. To long for the approval of the friends that I’ve grown out of. It’s just an inherent flaw that I have, never forgetting a single person who’s had any amount of influence in my life. It’s not like I go out of my way to think about them. Nostalgia just finds its way to creep into my mind sometimes.
I talk about this now because I’m going home for the holidays for the first time in almost two years. As an international student, I just haven’t found the chance. Fortunately, I finally have the opportunity to see my family, friends, and my dogs (who, if we’re being honest, probably miss me the most). It’s easy to say that I’m joyous, that I finally get to see everyone again, yet, my brain had found a way to feel melancholic about it. It’s not that I don’t want to see them again, it’s the fear of what happens when I do.
Keeping long-distance friendships (or any relationship) afloat is difficult. I only really talk to my mom once a week, sometimes only for a couple of minutes. With the friendships that I’m most driven to keep, I go out of my way to call them once a month for a couple of hours, sacrificing hours of necessary sleep in doing so. The boundary of a phone screen inhibits the types of connections I get to develop in these relationships. Sometimes it isn’t reciprocated, and I just have to accept that friendship’s untimely fate. We’re adults now. We don’t all have the time to call each other and catch up. It’s an unfortunate consequence of growing up. As someone who’s always struggled with letting things go (yes, I’m a Scorpio), it’s excruciatingly difficult to let these friendships fade away. The only glimpses I have of them are sparse cryptic travel posts and an occasional emoji reaction to my stories. It’s difficult to accept that these people that I used to talk to every day are just afterthoughts and I’ve grown to casually watch them mature through a plastic device.
Maybe that’s why I’m chained by nostalgia. These rose-coloured glasses make yearning for the past so easy. Maybe that’s why I’m so melancholic about seeing my friends again for the first time in years. The realization that maybe these people that I used to giggle with at the back of the class aren’t the people I believed they used to be. It’ll shatter that illusion of us being teenagers, that the people I used to know don’t actually exist anymore.
But life moves on, and at some point, we all have to too.