Over the winter break, I contracted COVID-19 from a family member. While trying to feel better, I was also grappling with having to be isolated from many loved ones over the holidays. I wasn’t able to see most family, friends or my boyfriend. I couldn’t see them in a time where I finally had a break from school and I didn’t even have work to distract myself with. I was extremely lucky to share my quarantine with my parents who got COVID at the same time as me, but with all of us feeling sick and doing our own thing, I was alone for the better part of a month. Lots of people are dealing with isolation right now, whether it be from COVID-19, restrictions, or life events unrelated to the pandemic – maybe you’ve gone through a breakup or a big change that’s forcing you to be on your own.
The first step is coming to terms with the fact that you really are on your own. Nobody is going to walk in through the door telling you it was all a big joke, and unfortunately all your thoughts are about to be a lot louder. Cry about it if you need to – it can be scary to be in a difficult situation or even just experience change. Change is uncomfortable and forces you to confront yourself head on, often without the support of others.
The second step, for me at least, was distraction. Is it healthy? Who’s to say, but it worked. To stop myself from thinking about all of the unfortunate events that had led to my circumstances, I decided to throw myself into things I had been putting off. I redid my entire room. I went through everything and rearranged until it felt new, and I felt content. Then, I started to read for pleasure – something which I haven’t done in years. Suddenly, I couldn’t put the books down and was reading until 3am every night! I started do things that I genuinely enjoyed, and more importantly, that were just for me.
I started to actually enjoy being alone. I stopped itching to be constantly texting or on the phone. I stopped dwelling over all the horrible things in the world that led to me being alone on New Year’s Eve. Instead, I had fun being on my own and really loving my own company. We know ourselves the best, but we rarely take the time to be in our own presence or to really learn about our habits or preferences. We hardly stop and take a moment to appreciate everything we’ve done for ourselves and how far we’ve come. As I’ve gotten older, my life has become more hectic and filled with things to do and people who need my time. While I want to give all that my energy, I barely give my own time and effort into getting to know myself. Despite the far from ideal circumstances that got me here, I found a part of myself that isn’t reliant on others and can be content all alone. Just knowing that brings me comfort – if I ever go through a life change where I’m forced to be alone again, I know that I’ll be okay.
You can’t and won’t be alone forever. One day your COVID isolation will end and restrictions will ease. Maybe you find someone you’re interested in dating again or you make friends in the city you just moved to. How do you keep from falling back into old habits of codependency or slacking off on self-care and self-love? As much as being alone may not have been your choice the first time around, try to keep carving out time just for you. I have started to take moments where I don’t have anything to do as a chance to be alone, instead of filling them all up with people to see or work to do. I value myself just as much as my other relationships, which is something I struggled with before.
When you’re forced to be alone, it’s so easy to dwell on what went wrong, or what you wish you could go back to. Take the chance to find yourself, to love hanging out with just you and to figure out what makes you happy again. Without all of your usual distractions, it can be scary to have to stop and dedicate all of your time to yourself. But the next time you have to be alone, it might not be so hard.