*The author of this article would like to remain anonymous*
“You’re life is perfect, why are you anxious?”
“You should be thankful for all of the opportunities you have.”
“Why are you freaking out, nothing happened right?”
“There is nothing to worry about, stop worrying.”
“If you can’t control something, don’t worry about it.”
These are things that were said to me in what has arguably been the worst year of my life.
Most people know me as a successful senior in college who appears to juggle her studies, social life, volunteer work, and extracurriculars with ease. I am the student with a 3.95 GPA, a leader of several clubs and organizations around campus, and honor society member, an active volunteer, and award winner. My life from the outside appears easy, fun, and successful. However, it is much different inside my brain. Since the beginning of 2017 I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression. The kind of stuff where getting out of bed seems impossible and driving a car becomes unbearable because you look at the guardrails and wish you could crash your car to stop your thoughts. You don’t want to die, but you definitely don’t want to live anymore.
For the first 5 months of 2017, I struggled with my mental health totally alone. I never let anyone know about the pain, fear, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts I was dealing with on a daily basis. I wanted to be perfect: the perfect roommate, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect student, etc. I was failing myself at every turn. I’d answer everyone’s concerns with “I’m fine, I’m just stressed out” or “I’m great, is everything okay with you?” I’d lash out at my mom and others who were trying to support me. I told myself that everything was fine and that I didn’t have time to deal with my mental illness. I would spend hours obsessing over social interactions, making sure that all of my actions were perfect and calculated. I pushed all of my friends away and altogether stopped speaking to some of them. My world continued to become smaller and more suffocating everyday. I wasn’t sleeping at night, I was exhausted all the time, and my hair started to fall out. I would call my mom and cry on the phone over small meaningless things. She’d always respond with “Why are you stressing out, this means nothing.” Little did she know all of the little things in life meant a lot to me.
It took me until Mother’s Day weekend to break down and tell someone that I was struggling. It all started with a simple question from my mom, “Are you okay?” I came undone in her arms. She held me and cried with me for hours as I told her I couldn’t handle my life, how I wanted to be absolutely perfect, and how I wanted to kill myself sometimes. She helped me to mourn the 5 months I had lost of my life to my mental illness. Luckily, my mother supported me and was determined to help me through my mental illness. By Thursday of the same week, I was in my new therapist’s office with an appointment.
Therapy has changed and saved my life. I have spent hours in cognitive behavior therapy talking about my struggles and finding logical solutions. I have been blessed to have two therapists who have been supportive, helpful, and compassionate. They have helped me develop healthy coping strategies and self care tactics that help me to face my anxiety and depression head on. They’ve helped me to look at situations from different perspectives and have helped me to deal with my problems and anxieties.
This has been my personal journey through anxiety and depression. I am still in therapy and I am still working hard to become a better me. I practice more self care and I have learned to accept myself and my flaws. I would however not be here without the care and support of my friends, family, and therapists. I want this testimony to be a message or a sign to another young woman.
Your feelings are valid and your struggles are real. However, no one should face these challenges alone and it’s time to get help.
“She overcame everything that was meant to destroy her.” -Sylvester McNutt