Ever since I was a young girl I exhibited signs of anxiety, but I let them go unrecognized for years. I, not knowing any different, thought they were normal. I hated going to school and as a kindergartener I would sob as I had to leave my mom’s side. I just attributed that to spending the first four years of my life at home with her. As I aged, my anxiety took different forms. As a middle-schooler I didn’t have much social anxiety, yet the anxiety was targeted towards events and objects. I had a paralyzing fear of roller coasters. Even the thought or gesture of someone telling me to ride one would make me cringe and even cry. I tried to be brave and face my fears, but I just couldn’t do it. This fear kept me from enjoying the “happiest place on earth” aka Disney World, during a summer vacation. Once again though, I thought it was normal.
As I started high school, my anxiety took another direction: my social life and schoolwork. I had this obsession with being the best student and getting the best grades. I would stress over the smallest assignment because it had to be perfect. I absolutely hated any sort of presentation or class discussion. Any intense social pressure would send my stomach into a spiraling knot. I would tense up, occasionally feel sick, and, in extreme cases, feel like I was going to pass out. By my junior year of high school I finally realized these feelings were not normal. I slowly began to distance myself from others and avoid any sort of social obligations. I stopped participating in activities I loved, and my pillow soon became my best friend, catching my tears each night. My anxiety had manifested itself into something more… depression. Leaving my bed became a huge task and I never felt satisfied with anything. Once I reached my senior year, I realized I needed to do something and take action. My parents were also realizing something was up. I was no longer the happy, bubbly daughter they used to know.
I decided to take a stand for myself and reach out to a psychiatrist. It made me feel weak and defeated, but I knew it was something I needed to do in order to keep the dark hole that was my mind from getting deeper. Thankfully, my psychiatrist was able to assess my situation, come up with a clear diagnosis, and get me proper treatment. He told me that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with a main focus on social aspects, as well as depression. He gave me treatment options, but we both knew medication would be best. I was a little hesitant to take it at first and honestly, I didn’t think It would work. To my great surprise, I was wrong. By the time graduation rolled around I finally felt like a normal person and I was no longer paralyzed by my fears.
Today, I am a relatively successful college sophomore. I wish I could say that my life has gotten a thousand times better and that my anxiety and depression are under control. For the most part they are, but I still have my bad days. In order to get through them though I fully rely on and trust in God. I remember that there is no need to worry, for tomorrow has enough worries of it’s own. I understand that my feelings are valid and that my anxiety and depression are true illnesses that I cannot control on my own. I hope that one day I will be able to overcome them and come off of my medication, but until then I am living life as best as I can with one foot in front of the other. Life truly is a blessing and a journey. Some of us just have a few more obstacles.
If you are feeling the way I did. Don’t be afraid to get help. Getting help is the first part to success. If I hadn’t taken a stand and received the treatment that I needed, I may not be here today. Just remember that your feelings are valid and you deserve the best!
[Image Credit: Sarah Hall]