Current Mood: What Are Feelings? It’s only inevitable that you’re thinking about this question again.
It’s funny how in the beginning you never really thought much about feelings because you were other distracted by that pull of idealistic lust. So now you lie awake at 5 a.m. drowning in a pool of your own thoughts.
What went wrong this time even though you think the feelings are right? Why are you submerging yourself in anxiety when you can swim up and gasp for air?
Photo by Artem Verbo on Unsplash
I think you change when you like someone. The way you talk to them & the way you act. It’s different and you get more paranoid. Your biggest weakness is overthinking. Worrying about what could go wrong instead of hoping for the best. You forget that things are going to be okay because you’re so caught up in the hopeless romantic spiral of feelings. It’s okay though, because when are you ever going to have time to do this again? It’s an experience that takes you to depths where your heart and mind sync to become susceptible to the thrills of love, rock bottom pain, and period of heartbreak.
There’s never a dull moment when feelings are around.
Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash
Since I’ve given some context, I am going to answer the question now.
To me, feelings are a long list of wants and demands. Needs that are limited by resources that are scarce. (Currently taking ECON200). I was going to do a laundry list of things but I know deep down that it’s too complex of a state to simplify in points.
Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash
I can wholeheartedly say that feelings should be knowing you’re able to trust someone and know they’ll always be around. It’s that kind of love that I want to find in him now, but it doesn’t help that you compare him to someone before. It doesn’t help that you try so hard to find similarities instead of seeing them as separate. I think your impulse is driven by this unrealistic fairytale of perfection which by all means only breaks your heart in the end.
Feelings are imperfect with gaps that let promises and hope fall through.
Photo by Ryan Loughlin on Unsplash
I think this time, I want to believe I have genuine feelings because we started off as friends. But now I’m not sure if it’s going to work out because there are things about him that I can’t see myself addressing. I want to hope that this side of him just a façade and that there’s a deeper level of understanding of the world but if there isn’t I’m not sure if that can help me become a better person if I am with him. However, at the same time, there’s this sense of mutual understanding and a sharing of interest that keeps me hooked. I care because he means well, but I’m also unsure right now why he’s taking 7 years to respond then probably throwing his phone into the Great Falls.
Photo by Aditya Chinchure on Unsplash
I am stressed, overthinking, & can’t sleep.
What you just read was written in 2018, it was unpublished and unread. Now this year, being more honest is something I value even more and so I have added my ‘mood’ for 2019.
This time around, I’ve realized my mistakes. Last year, I dived right into his pool of thoughts without thinking about how the waves would come crashing down on him. I drowned his concerns and worries because I only cared about how I would stay afloat. In the end, I dried myself up and never looked back. Now some part of me feels the need to say something. To take off the goggles that blurred my vision, earplugs that blocked the sound, and to talk with words instead of blowing bubbles.
Photo by Masaaki Komori on Unsplash
Aside from him, I have just confessed to someone new I like them. But that came with a price. Honesty. I care about him and knew he deserved to know the truth. Even though it was probably something that would have changed the way he felt about me, I think it was worth the shot to know if he will accept it.
Do I regret my actions? Do I wish I could take back ever telling him what happened in the past?
I want to believe that the past doesn’t define us, but it does shape the way others judge us. As emotional humans who need security, we rely on our understanding of the past to determine the present and future. We are always trying to anticipate the outcome. We make assumptions, have expectations, and set goals. But when all our predictions come crashing down, we find ourselves lost. Accepting reality is hard, moving forward is even harder, and being vulnerable is the hardest to cope with.
Photo by Atharva Tulsi on Unsplash
I am vulnerable right now. I let my pride go and confessed.
I just want to order some Korean Fried Chicken Wings and watch my favorite rom-com ‘Something Borrowed.’ But all I can do now is be patient and try to be considerate of his feelings.
Photo by @Matthew_T_Rader on Unsplash
What’s crazy is that I was in this same predicament seven years ago when I fell in love for the first time. I had to wait and keep trying to figure out where we were. I knew he cared about me but was just not ready. (FYI we were just starting high school so I had some raging hormones that made me a piece of work). To this day, I feel like so lucky to have experienced what I had with him. I learned how time helps us grow and understand each other. We worked on our relationship and made an effort to make each other happy. We supported each other despite the distance and always made sure we were honest. I know we love each other (not romantically or sexually) and know each other better than we know ourselves.
Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash
So back to the question of feelings again. I think I have found someone completely new who understands me. Who likes spending time with me, talking to me, and most importantly cares about me. I am grateful for him. So no matter what happens I want us to stay in each other’s lives. It’s going to be difficult and it’s going to be painful, but I know it will be worth it.
Photo by Francisco T Santos on Unsplash
I have been blessed with another chance to feel the wildly fluctuating emotions of love again, and I can’t believe I am saying but I don’t want to give up anymore. I am not going to push him away because I am scared. I am not going to be afraid of feeling heartbroken again.
I am going to fight the sh** and I won’t give up on him.