Letter To Depressed Me

**TW: Suicide**

It’s November! Tis the season! 

For the upcoming holidays, for midterms, for chilly weather, and for early sunrises and early sunsets. 

 

But for me? This November marks one year since my last suicide attempt. In November 2019, I was brought to the emergency room, and soon after, spent one week in in-patient psychiatric care. 

 

I had struggled with anxiety and depression during my most formative teenage years. What should have been blissful nights spent alongside friends, enjoying life, enjoying youth... were instead dismal ones spent in only the company of my depression. For years, it hung around my neck, wrapped around my arms and legs, lived in every crevice of my brain; its everlasting presence poisoned my mind with continuous lies and self-hatred. For years, it added to the weight of my own desolation.

 

For years, this was just my reality. 

 

For years, I had never imagined it possible that I would be able to talk about this part of me in past tense. 

 

For years, what I had hoped would be a suffering that ended with a kiss with death, was instead a suffering that ended with the open arms of a rebirth.

 

'Tis the season to be infinitely grateful for the second chance I was given. ‘Tis the season to celebrate this ethereal rebirth. 

 

It is, indeed, strange that the same young woman writing this, the one who can paint her days and nights with sunshine and stars, even when the clouds insist on darkness, is the same one who was once clueless as to what sunshine and stars even looked like. 

 

If I could travel to November 2019, to meet the latter, this is what I would tell her:

 

Tricia,

 

I know you're afraid, and that’s okay, your fear will subside. Within the next few days, you're going to meet people who kinda think like you. For the first time, you will no longer feel as alone and hopeless as you always thought you were.

You're going to learn that there are so many people who want to help you: nurses and doctors and counselors, friends and family, and even strangers from your support group. In fact, you’ll be amazed at how many resources there are out there. You can be happy, Tricia. But you have to believe it first. 

For the first time, you will learn how much your parents want to help you. Even though you were so certain that their support was unattainable, you will attain it. 

For the first time, you will learn how much your friends want to know how you're doing. Even though you were so certain that your sad feelings were a hindrance to them, you will learn that they all want the chance to support you. 

I hope you embrace your stay in the hospital. Don’t be ashamed. Don’t be in such a hurry to leave. Your assignments and exams can wait. Your mind needs extra love right now. Would you want to leave the hospital without a cast for your broken bone? Your brain is just as important.

You will learn how to be nice to yourself and others. If you take home what you learn from your counselors and actively follow the advice they gave you, you won’t feel that weight of desolation anymore. You will soon feel lighter. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. It really is easier said than done. But it’s doable. I know you can do it. 

The people you love, love you back, Tricia. I know how easily your mind floods solely with thoughts of how unloved and unwanted you believe you are. You are not unloved. You are not unwanted. Tricia, you are so loved, and you are so wanted. I can't wait for you to fully realize that. And I can’t wait for you to love and want yourself too.

 

Love,

Tricia

 

I have attached some resources for mental health support and suicide prevention. You are loved. You are wanted. You are beautiful. You are capable of having a beautiful life. 

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

 

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups: https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups 

 

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (https://www.crisistextline.org/ for more information)