Sometimes, something completely unthinkable and shocking happens to you. Whether it’s due to timing, fate, or something else— certain events just jolt you and rock your world. I was 15 when it happened to me. I had a stroke.
Out of all the people I tell my story to, they all elicit the same response: complete disbelief. “You? But you’re so young! You can’t even tell that happened to you! What was it like?” A lot of people do not know what a stroke is or confuse them with seizures. With the kind of stroke I had, a blood clot disrupted blood flow in my brain. One would think that someone so young and healthy like me would be safe from odd episodes like that. Typically, those most at risk for stroke are overweight smokers. Well I am not overweight, nor do I smoke, so I left my doctors perplexed when they could not narrow down the cause of it. In and out of the hospital for a few days, I had just about every single test done to me to figure out why and how, but to no avail. I also had heart surgery when I was 6 years old, so my doctors first thought that was the cause. Several tests later, there was no evidence. I had my heart, brain, and just about every other organ examined and no one could figure it out. Today, five years later, there are some ideas about what caused it, but no clear, perfect diagnosis.
It happened on November 16th, 2012. I was working at my first job at a local ice cream shop. A few hours in, I got a really bad headache, but brushed it off. It was definitely the worst headache I had ever had in my life, but I told myself it would go away and that I would be fine. I kept working but something didn’t feel right. After looking back on that night, I realized, too, that I was walking and bumping into things, which I later learned was due to impaired balance and coordination from the stroke. I had been working at this job for several months, so I was very comfortable with navigating the workspace, so there was no good reason to explain why I suddenly became such a klutz during my shift. Towards the end of my shift, I felt even worse than I did earlier and had no choice other than to run into the bathroom and vomit. I came back out of the bathroom and my boss sent me home a few minutes early. Since I was only 15 at the time, my parents had to drive me everywhere. They were waiting in the parking lot as I could barely walk out of the building. My coworker came out with me and told them what was going on. I was so dizzy and scared, but I was underestimating the seriousness of what was happening. I got home and just wanted to go to bed, but I could barely get up the stairs. I threw up a few more times that night but I made it through. I kept insisting that I had a really bad case of the stomach flu. My head still hurt and I noticed my left arm and hand felt limp and just “off.” I noticed that I started texting and typing with just my right thumb, when I normally used both hands. Still, I continued to ignore this. The headache and vomiting (and total, all around discomfort) lasted a few days. My parents and I decided that I needed to get checked out; I could barely keep any food or fluids in my stomach and the issue with my arm and hand really started to worry us.
I went to see my primary physician and distinctly remember not even being able to sit up on the bed while I waited for him to come in. That was a huge warning sign to my doctor, as he immediately sent me to the ER. There, they performed some tests and this is where my memory of the whole ordeal gets really blurry. I remember waking up that afternoon to my parents and my brother at my bedside. “You’ll never believe it, Hayley,” they said. “You had a stroke a few days ago.”
Shock, panic, confusion and anger flooded my body. I could not respond as animatedly as you think someone would upon learning such news. I just kept thinking about how I could not believe it; it just happened without me knowing. Yeah, I felt really bad that night at work and the few days after, but with something so traumatic as a stroke, you would think you would definitely know exactly when it was actually happening.
This was around Thanksgiving, so I missed only a couple days of school and work since we were given a break. I remember I left the hospital a few days before the holiday, but had to go back right on Thanksgiving day since I was not reacting well to the steroid I had been given to reduce brain swelling. One of the saddest parts about this whole ordeal was that I wasn’t able to go Black Friday shopping with my mom, one of our favorite annual traditions.
Not knowing why I suffered from a stroke made me incredibly anxious and depressed. At age 15, I was experiencing something most people will never have to experience once in their lifetime. I often felt like I was removed from my body, simply just going throughout my day, finding zero enjoyment in anything. My life just felt foggy… unusual. I wasn’t suicidal, thankfully, but my life felt pointless. I barely laughed and did not want to do things I had previously loved to do. My family worried that they may never have their bubbly, active and fun-loving Hayley again. I worried that I would never get out of that haze I was in and would just have to go on with my life in misery.
The weeks and months following my stroke were very difficult for me. I was in occupational therapy sessions several times a week, repairing my fine motor skills and movements in my left arm and hand. I could not do the simplest actions, like picking up a pencil, typing with both hands, or even reaching out my arm to catch something in my hand. I would try to hide my left arm and tucked it away because I was ashamed. At school, I was nervous to carry my books in my arms or participate in gym class, in case I messed up.
It was so incredibly hard to do easy, everyday things. It was so incredibly hard to laugh and smile. It was so incredibly hard to ever believe that I would be me again. I cried a lot and often apologized to my family for the ways that I felt, when I didn’t need to. The physical act of the stroke and the aftermath were making my personality and zest for life deteriorate. However, I met with a psychologist often and she helped me work through my feelings of doubt, anger, sadness and confusion. Meeting with my psychologist was life-changing for me since I realized that I wanted to pursue that field of study for the rest of my life. I want to help people in the way that my psychologist helped me to get my life back on track and reintroduce positive feelings into my life.
Five years later, I am halfway through my undergraduate career studying psychology and criminal justice. I have an amazing family who supports me in all my endeavors and friends that love me regardless of my insecurities. I am very involved with community service and love giving back. I take a lot of time out of my day to laugh and smile. I am no longer depressed. I love to meet new people and discover new places. I have regained most of the strength and ability in my left arm and hand and have otherwise adapted. My hand still shakes sometimes, but it makes me who I am and it is part of my story. I still get pretty anxious sometimes about several different things, but I have learned how to cope with it. At the lowest point in my life, I would have never foreseen all the positivity, happiness, success and enjoyment I am experiencing in my life right now. It is absolutely amazing how time and effort can change the worst circumstances that life may bring upon us. I am reminded every day that I had a stroke and I reflect on my experience often. It is very easy to think “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” But, why not you? You are strong enough to overcome even the worst battles.