Cooking might not be your thing, but haven’t you ever wanted it to be? There’s no need for skill, tools, or practice, oh no. Just follow these simple tips and everyone you know will consider you a kitchen goddess.
1. Garnish
It might sound fancy, but you’d be surprised at what a little foliage can do to a meal. Whatever you’ve made, just sprinkle something green over it (herbs/lettuce/grass) and you’ve gone from a bland looking sandwich to a Jamie-Oliver-style homemade masterpiece.
This also works well with puddings! Just dust a little icing sugar over your food and BAM it’s got a whole new look.
Take note of the word ‘dust’ – icing sugar can cause more problems than it solves when it’s not handled with great care.
2. Speed
Doing everything very quickly and seriously in the kitchen can really add to your chef-like aura. As long as you’re not throwing the food all over the place, a swift but accurate toss into the pan makes your meal much more impressive. Also, maybe waft the steam from the pan into your face to make it look like just smelling your food can tell you how brilliant it is. Shouting “Magnifico!” may be a bit over the top, but feel free to try it.
3. Lingo
Try learning a few technical terms and use them in every day conversation so you sound like you know what you’re doing. For example, “oh I’m just dicing these baby shallots before adding them to my ragout of duck braised in red wine”. I mean you could just say that anyway even if you weren’t.
If you’re struggling to remember all these new words, you can always come up with your own to throw everyone off a little bit. “Well my tomatoes have fully chiffinged now so I suppose I should illiyate the bilke”. Confidence is key: if your terminology is questioned offer a patronising smile and tell them to go and look it up.
4. Lie
Of course, this is the easy way out – pretending something is yours when really it belongs to Sainsbury’s. Some may consider this plagiarism (or plategiarism, thank you), but to be honest, ready-meals can be absolute saviours when you literally have no cooking ability.