In his 1995 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, author Gary Chapman explores his theory of the “5 love languages” which represent the different ways that humans give and receive love. Chapman discovered these categories through his years of experience in the fields of marriage counseling and linguistics. Although the idea of love languages may sound simple, they are quite complex and can present themselves in various forms within different relationships. I find that people often overlook the presence and importance of their own love language and their partner’s when in a relationship, a piece of knowledge that can only enhance it. In hopes of shedding light on the groundbreaking attachment theory, I wish to discuss the differences between each love language, the crucial role they play in romantic partnerships, and how to cope with a partner whose primary love language differs from your own.
The Five Love Languages Explained:
First, let’s talk about words of affirmation. This love language emphasizes verbal acknowledgments of affection and intimacy. This includes, but is not limited to, expressing “I love yous” to your partner, complimenting them when they dress, verbally recognizing your appreciation for a task they did for you, or engaging in frequent technological communication with them — whether that be through phone calls, texts, or social media. For individuals whose love language aligns the most with words of affirmation, these expressions of love can be critical in ensuring their feelings of belonging in a relationship.
Next, we have quality time. Quality time encompasses spending valuable, in-person time with your partner. While the notion of “valuable” may differ from one individual to another, people who favor quality time appreciate receiving undisturbed, one on one time with their partner — time that usually involves eye-contact and active listening. Whether one’s idea of quality time means sitting on the sofa having a deep discussion with their partner or engaging in an adventurous outdoor activity together, those who favor quality time want to feel like their partner prioritizes spending emotionally intimate, in-person time with them frequently.
For those whose love language is acts of service, they favor partners who make a concerted effort to make their lives better through engaging in meaningful and often helpful acts. Acts of service can be exemplified in a myriad of ways, including spontaneously bringing your significant other flowers after work, assisting them in cleaning their room when they are experiencing stress, or cooking them dinner without being asked to. One can internalize acts as serving as the active form of words of affirmation. While individuals who favor words of affirmation feel as though words are more meaningful than actions, those who align more with acts of service feel the complete opposite. For these individuals, actions speak louder than words.
The love language of gifts is pretty self-explanatory, but there’s more to the story. Those whose love language aligns most with gifts feel most appreciated when their partner provides them with tangible, symbolic gifts. This language may seem a bit artificial, but it’s not that simple. Although it is even more wonderful when someone’s partner gets them a gift they genuinely like, people whose love language are gifts focus more on the symbolism that is reflected through the process of gift-giving, such as the effort that goes into deliberately contemplating and picking out a special item for a loved one. For individuals with this love language, holidays and birthdays tend to be important occasions in the relationship –something to keep in mind if you have a loved one with this language.
Lastly, physical touch is the love language that embodies all physical signs of affection. This usually includes, but is not limited to, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and sex. These individuals need to be physically near their partner as much as possible and thoroughly enjoy the moments their partner relays physical affection and intimacy towards them. They want to be consensually kissed, embraced, and held closely as much as possible.
It’s also important to note that not every person aligns entirely with one love language. Rather, it is more likely that a person may align primarily with one while still placing major and/or minor importance on others. As someone who relates the closest with quality time, but still places heavy importance on words of affirmation and physical touch, I can vouch for this reality.
We Know What Love Languages Are—Now, What?
Now that you have a general summary of the differences, you may still be wondering why this theory is important? Well, both experiences in my personal life and my research have demonstrated that recognizing and understanding both you and your partner’s primary love language can be a critical element in sustaining a long-lasting, healthy relationship and avoiding disappointment. Even if you already feel like you and your partner are as happy as can be, I can assure you that educating one another on your love languages can truly strengthen an already seemingly perfect bond. Love languages directly connect to what your and your partner’s emotional needs are. Without a basic understanding of what specific form of expression is most impactful towards them, you may only relay love in ways that are familiar and/or ideal for you while overlooking theirs. Couples who make a joint effort to identify, discuss, and explore one another’s love languages can use this knowledge to strengthen their current relationship and be better prepared for future ones. Acting on your partner’s love language is not a difficult task, and will set you up to make them feel the most fulfilled they can in the relationship, a feeling that will surely transfer into how they act towards you. If you know your partner appreciates words of affirmation in relationships, make a concerted effort to ensure you are verbally expressing your love and appreciation for them frequently. If you are with someone who emphasizes physical touch, make an effort to hold their hand more or give them some cuddles each night before bed. When it comes to making your partner happy, acting on their love language can go a long way.
Furthermore, being aware of you and your partner’s respective love languages not only aids in strengthening the existing bond between you but can help you to realize if the relationship is capable of surviving long-term. If it seems as though the person you’re with will never be capable of conveying their love to you in the form you need, this is a red flag that may not be fixable.
If you don’t already know it, identifying one’s love language is an easy process with a myriad of trustworthy love language quizzes available on the internet today to help you and your partner identify your own. Moreover, taking a love language quiz with a partner is a fun and easy past-time that could ultimately improve your relationship immensely.
What if My Partner and I have Different Love Languages?
That all being said, one should never opt-out of a relationship with someone whose love language differs from their own. As the saying goes, “opposites attract,” and the same can often be applied to a relationship in which love languages don’t align.
Just because you may be with someone who needs consistent “I love yous” to feel validated, while you simply need your partner to take out the trash without being asked, that does not mean the relationship is destined to fail. To assess the impact of these differences, the most critical step is to engage in a meaningful, productive conversation with your partner about what your love languages are and what expectations you both have. You may come to realize that your main love language is quite important to them too, and vise versa.
A difference between you and your partner’s love languages may not always be so easy to adapt to. Because of this, it is key to recognize the role that compromise plays in all relationships, particularly romantic ones. Any partnership that is built on mutual trust and love will be capable of going the extra mile to make that relationship even better, and it will involve two people who are willing to exhibit love towards each other in the way either partner desires. If you are with someone who is unwilling to compromise despite your initiating an in-depth conversation with them, that may not be the person you’re destined to end up with. All relationships are a two-way street.
Needless to say, falling in love and building a strong romantic partnership with someone is not an easy task. While I am not saying that every relationship founded on a mutual understanding of love language will be forever perfect, I can assure you that educating yourself on the topic will make any relationship stronger.