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I keep dreaming about you, kid. I don’t know why, and I certainly don’t want to, but I am. 

I have dreams that we’re still together. I have dreams that we’re broken up. And regardless of whether the dream is good or bad, I still wake up feeling sad that it wasn’t reality. Sad that I don’t love you the way I used to. Sad that I don’t hurt as much as I used to. Sad that my feelings for you have become indifferent. 

I don’t love you. I don’t hate you. But I wake up missing you. How does that make sense?


sleep
Photo by elizabeth lies from Unsplash

I felt so much. Now I don’t feel enough.

It’s been a year and 6 months since our breakup. You jumped into a relationship too soon after your last, and I was naive enough to believe you were ready. I listened intently while you explained why your last relationship ended and why you were ready for this one. I told you I didn’t want to be your rebound, and you made me believe that I wasn’t. We were both foolish. 

I would be the one that taught you what real love is, I thought. I would be everything your ex wasn’t. I was nothing more than a lesson to you, and that used to hurt more than anything – the feeling that everything you meant to me, she still meant to you.

sad and alone girl breakup
Photo by _Mxsh_ from Unsplash

But the truth of the matter is, I’m over you. I have been for awhile now.

And I’m not saying that in hopes to convince myself that I am. I am truly, 100%, absolutely not in love with you anymore. You could come knocking on my door right now and ask for a second chance, and I’d leave you as quickly as you left me – it’s just a fact. 

What I felt for you was real, but what I don’t feel for you now is more real. I don’t feel a warm comfort at the mention of your name. My heart doesn’t do flips when I pass your house. And I certainly don’t picture my future with you in it. 

I’ve looked on about a million dream interpretation websites, but there isn’t a clear answer. So I choose to believe the answer to the all encompassing question – why am I still dreaming about my ex? – is because my heart knows that I’m ready to love someone else like I loved you. I miss the feeling of being in love. I don’t miss you. All I can do is pray that you’ll stop showing up in my dreams. 

Lord, I pray when I turn off the light, I won’t dream of him again tonight.


white flowers in vase on bedside table
Photo by Annie Spratt from Unsplash

 

Anna was born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri. She is currently a junior at the University of Kansas, studying News & Info in the William Allen White School of Journalism and minoring in Business.
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