“It’s about who you miss at 2pm when you’re busy, not at 2am when you’re lonely.”
I think about this quote a lot. I don’t know when I found it or where I found it, but it’s something that crosses my mind pretty much every day. I think it’s because it reminds me of you. It’s easy to say I miss you late at night when I can’t fall asleep. But I’ll be having the time of my life, and I still think to myself, this would be so much more fun if he were here.
It’d been 6 months, kid. And I miss you every day.
I went to therapy a couple times after the breakup. You don’t know that. My therapist once asked me if something else was going on – something other than the breakup. As if the thought that being so broken-hearted after such a short relationship didn’t seem to make sense. Something else had to be wrong with me to make me feel that broken. But nothing was. You just broke me. More than anyone else could comprehend.
You were my first love. You don’t know that either. But I also know I wasn’t yours. So every first I had with you, you’d already had with her. And that’s fine, I can’t blame you for that. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it every. damn. day. when we were together.
The truth is, I’m still learning how to find the pieces of myself I lost when I lost you. I thought I’d be “fixed” by now, but that’s just not my reality. I cry at the simplest things. Love songs mean so much more to me. Songs about broken hearts sometimes undo all the progress I’ve made trying to get over you. Worst of all, when the women on The Bachelor are crying in the limo after being broke up with just a couple weeks after knowing the guy, I don’t judge them like I used to. Because I know what it’s like to fall so fast for someone that your future just starts to make sense, and all the pieces fall into place. I also know what it feels like to have the rug pulled out from under you – your hope completely shattered.
The summer of 2019 (the summer of “19 You + Me” as Dan + Shay like to call it) will always be ours. The most unexpected love. I’ll never know if you felt the same way I did, but what I do know is that I’d never take back the months we shared with each other.
I’m not the person I used to be. I read books now. I love poetry. Who would’ve thought I’d love to read? Let alone, read poetry books? I know the answer to the dreaded “what do you want to be when you grow up” question. I want to be a writer. You see, when we broke up, my friend told me to journal – to write down everything I was feeling. I immediately shut down the idea, thinking there’s no way that would help me. I don’t know exactly what changed, but a couple weeks later, I started to write. One page turned into two which turned into eight. Eight pages of what I wished I could tell you.
I wanted to tell you that I love you. But that would’ve been selfish. I knew it was going to take a very long time for me to ever feel okay again, but the least I could do was let you move on. I mean, you did give me the best couple months of my life. So, I kept those words hidden.
I watched you post a picture with a girl on Instagram that you brought to your semi-formal. I didn’t see the photo until I got a text from my sister saying, “You’re so much prettier than her,” and I knew exactly whose Instagram feed to check. Just when I was starting to feel a little more like myself, you had to break me again. You didn’t know that’s what you were doing, but that’s what happened.
I told my doctor about you. Through teary eyes and a shaky voice, I told him about my panic attacks and that I couldn’t sleep – memories reforming in my brain, making me reinterpret once perfect moments in time as “that’s why he broke up with me” moments instead. He prescribed me sleeping pills that worked for a little bit, but after a while, my body became so used to the pills that I had to start taking two a night instead of one. To this day, I still need those pills to fall asleep.
“I’m stuck somewhere between not wanting to feel that kind of heartbreak again but wanting to feel that type of love again.”
I can honestly say, 6 months later, this quote perfectly describes where I’m at. For months, I decided to be intentionally single – not dating or even having a “thing” with anyone. As boring or pointless as that may sound, I didn’t want to jump into a relationship when I wasn’t ready and repeat the same mistakes you did. I’m not necessarily in that same head space now, but I’m a lot more careful – I know I can’t fully trust my heart anymore.
I’m still broken but not as broken as I once was, and that’s all that matters. Sleepings gotten a little bit easier. Progress. I don’t think about you every second of every day. Progress. I’m hopeful for the day a boy walks into my life and never leaves, and I’m also okay with the fact that that boy isn’t you. Progress. I love myself and the person I’m becoming more than I ever have. Happiness. I can honestly say, I’m happy again. I think a piece of me will love you forever, but I’m okay with that.
If I can love the wrong person this much, I’m excited to see how much I will be able to love the right person.