1. Had to hold it together
It’s too early in the night for you to lose it now. You have to get a grip. Take some deep breaths, think about the ocean and focus on keeping the room steady.
2. Made a friend in line
Oh my god, the music is SO loud, isn’t it? Wow, I was seriously just thinking that. It’s so funny you say that, oh my god!
3. Brought said new friend in line into the stall with you
You can turn your back while I go, and then I’ll turn my back while you go, and if we both come into the stall at the same time, people will think the line is moving faster! Winsies!
4. Had to hold the door shut with your hand because locks are hard when you’re drunk
It’s a super good stretch, though. Work out some of the cricks in your neck while you’re simultaneously staying seated and leaning forward at full capacity to keep that door shut.
5. Sat on the toilet for ten straight minutes on your phone without realizing other people were waiting for the bathroom
Oh my god, I can’t believe I have 17 Snapchats and 35 Instagram notifications. I wonder if I can have McDonalds delivered here? What do they have on their menu that I really want to eat anyway?
6. Had to hunt stall-to-stall for your friend Emily who can’t handle her liquor
You do this every time, Emily! I will call your ass an Uber, I swear! Don’t make me come in there!
7. Accidentally burst in on someone who forgot to lock the stall
Oh, I’m so sorry. Wow, I’m sorry. Sorry! My bad!
8. Had to borrow toilet paper from someone beside you
Great, now you have to be The Lone Hand reaching beneath the stall and begging silently for help.
9. Sighed in exasperation when the automatic toilet went off before you were finished
Because that feels great and isn’t disgusting at all.
10. Took a bunch of selfies in the mirror with strangers
Kylie Jenner who? There’s a new selfie queen in town, babe.
11. Avoided eye contact at all costs with a bathroom attendant you don’t have money to tip
I didn’t really NEED her help, right? Like, I just didn’t know she was going to be in there? That’s okay right?
12. Not realized you’re supposed to tip bathroom attendants but poured your heart and soul out to them anyway
“Listen, – what’s your name again? Ashley? – Okay, listen, Ashley. It doesn’t matter WHY I’m mad at Jess, but just that she hasn’t apologized yet! And now I have to go out there and face her? Why do such bad things happen to me?!”
13. Forgot where you left your phone
Wait did I have it before I came in here? Did I forget it in the Uber? Is it still in the bathroom stall? Did I put it in my coat? Does Mackenzie have my purse?
14. Cried
Because it just b that way sometimes
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