You’ve been single since before Kimmy was put in a doomsday bunker in Durnsville, Indiana. It’s just a fact of life for you, but you can’t help but get a little frustrated at it sometimes. So maybe you have a few odd quirks…
But isn’t the point of dating someone to find the perfect guy who’s going to love you anyway? Maybe treat you like a princess and know how to REALLY say he’s sorry to a girl? The actual ideal man?
It’s not too much to ask for, really. Prince charming is out there! But in the meantime, you’re riding solo. Most of the time, you’re okay with that.
But other times it can be a real pain in the ass.
So a girl gets lonely sometimes! What of it?
There are ways to make it through. It’s not like you don’t TRY to flirt. It’s just that maybe you’re not like, the absolute best at it…
And when you go out with all your friends, they’re in relationships and complaining about things like how their boyfriend’s mattress is too lumpy or they wanted chocolate ice cream but their significant other only wanted vanilla…
And then they realize their mistake and start telling you about this guy they know who would love to go on a date, but when you finally meet them the only thing that leaves your mouth is…
… and you’re immediately filled with regret.
Even when you find someone you’re remotely interested in, you figure out they’re in a relationship or gay…
… and your friends are trying to console you like, “Well obviously, they’re missing out” or “You’re prettier than them anyway.”
At some point, even cat calls start feeling a little flattering… You’re just that desperate for the attention.
Finally, your friends realize an intervention is needed and decide to take you out and wing-woman for the night. You’ve been preparing for this.
You’re ready to pull out all the stops tonight, no matter what it takes. You start at the bars.
However, being drunk is only fun for the first hour. Slowly, you begin to disintegrate, and everything becomes a mess. You’ve been batting your lashes and swishing your hair all night and haven’t met a single person…
But as you’re downing another drink, you think about how maybe you’re not all that suited for relationships after all…
… and you’re maybe not the easiest person to cuddle or sleep with…
… so go to the bathroom and try to cheer yourself up…
… unsuccessfully. You think you should go back out there and try to catch you a sucker to spend the evening with, but then your friends post an Instagram from your night out and you realize something odd…
You’ve been throwing so much self-pity at yourself that you’re in a loop of misery. It’s time to just give it a rest and focus on yourself for a bit.
You turn to your pals and thank them for a fun night. After all, they did do you a solid by taking you out and leading you to this life-changing realization.
And now that you’ve got that settled, there are brighter things on your horizon anyway. You can finally realize your lifelong dreams…
… and be lazy forever while pitying the fools spending weekends together putting on pants and going out in public. Honestly, it’s dizzying to imagine sometimes. But if there’s one lesson you’ve learned during your journey, it’s that…