81 Thoughts While Watching the American Horror Story Season Premiere

Last night marked the seventh season premiere of America's favorite little trainwreck: American Horror Story. We have more questions than answers.

  1. Oh god why are we rehashing this it was painful enough the first time
  2. So we’re getting psychopath blue haired Evan Peters this season, eh? Classic.
  3. Still hot, tho. Still a little hot.
  4. It’s easy to justify him being hot when he’s just an actor playing a sociopath he’s not actually a sociopath so it’s okay
  5. RACHEL MADDOW IS THE ONLY ONE I TRUST!! Same, girl. Same.
  6. Love wins, except in this small instance when it didn’t exactly, in so many words
  7. Okay, Mr. Chang, calm down your wife isn’t solely responsible for this mess
  8. This is actually super problematic in the sense that we’re really alienating each other based on politics in this show
  9. Am I surprised that something featuring Lena Dunham and written by Ryan Murphy is problematic tho?
  10. No
  11. I’m problematic for watching this tbh but we’re all problematic so I’ll just live with my trash self
  12. This is going to be another one of those throwaway seasons isn’t it?
  13. Maybe cool it around the child? There are children present, maybe don’t act like you’re dying??
  14. These are just my thoughts on one scene holy crap
  15. OMG Winter you feminist icon
  1. Dropped out of school to hit the road for Hil? And your make-up is on point? Girl
  2. Oh wait never mind you have some weird sociopathic pact with your sociopath brother which doesn’t make sense at all honestly
  3. Wait this picnic by the lake scene seems familiar
  4. Are we in Jupiter, Florida?
  5. I can’t believe we brought Twisty back.
  6. In all fairness he’s a creepy character but Freak Show was the worst season and I think we can all agree.
  7. Wait so did that actually happen or was it just in the comic book?
  8. Ally The Drama Queen strikes again
  9. Also Oz could have just been like ‘yeah I’m not going to show you what this is because you’re actually a lunatic who is terrified of clowns’ and avoided this whole mess
  10. Ally is the most annoying character. How am I supposed to withstand her this entire season?
  11. How freaking cool would it be if Ally’s therapist was actually Ben Harmon from season one?
  12. I mean he’s dead but also weirder things have happened on this show and that would be the best crossover character. Twisty who?
  13. I understand your rights are at liberty but also it’s not immediate. You could use this time to organize and rationalize instead of going insane, so why don’t you do that instead?
  14. She’s not going to do that instead, I just have a gut feeling
  15. Oh she has that weird hole phobia I didn’t understand until Buzzfeed dared me to Google it
  1. I am here for Evan Peters in a suit.
  2. I am not here for that hair color.
  3. I am here for the man bun.
  4. I am not here for his anti-Semitism
  5. I am here for this being a weird cult-like diatribe that will start a movement since politics doesn’t at all fit a cult theme
  6. Like why are we talking about Trump and Clinton when we could be in the woods sacrificing animals or something else weird and scary?
  7. If you wanted a politics season call it American Horror Story: American Horror Story and don’t mislead me with cult
  8. Also clowns?
  9. So the theme is Donald Trump Racist Clown Cult? But they shortened it?
  10. I know AHS never makes sense but this just really does not make any sense
  11. Also why would you provoke someone who is clearly off their rocker by calling them a basement dweller? You’re clearly going to get murdered now.
  1. I could write this show and make it 10 times scarier
  2. My biggest fear in life is that I’ll make a remark about Trump being stupid and they’ll turn out to be a supporter like in this grocery store
  3. Yeah it’s really problematic to show all Republicans as robot Nazis in red hats I’m just saying
  4. There are like some decent people out there who just put their trust in the wrong place and hoped for better?
  5. IDK man, I just like to keep the glass half full
  6. There’s no way in hell this clown thing is actually happening
  7. Are they… is that? A watermelon?
  8. And the clowns are having sex but really let’s focus on the weird aspect, which is obviously the watermelon

  1. What does that watermelon symbolize?
  2. Using a bottle of rosé to defend herself against nonexistent clowns. This is so relatable
  3. Why didn’t you just run out the door to begin with instead of running track around the store and scream-crying?
  4. Why are you just sitting in your car and not already driving?
  5. Oh there’s a clown in the backseat
  6. Called it
  7. Oh and so there was a clown in her backseat before commercial break and now she’s just casually explaining what happened in her own home? Wouldn’t the clown have killed her? If she was in an accident wouldn’t she have had to been looked at by paramedics?
  8. It’s so classic of me to be watching a supernatural based horror show and question the logical timeline of events
  9. Go to bed Oz, it’s just mom being crazy again
  10. You know, like every other day of your life.
  11. Ivy how did you marry this woman?
  12. I would also be annoyed, like please be a wife and human being and not a ball of yell anxiety
  13. OMG this idiot voted for Jill Stein???
  14. I’m almost thankful Kai spilled coffee on them?
  15. Oh and that scene where he peed in the condom and threw it at Mexicans then had someone record it so it looked like Mexicans beating up on a lonely white dude that was a thing that happened
  16. This episode isn’t even scary it’s just infuriating
  17. Like every other episode of this show that wasn’t season one or six
  18. Oh, Winter. I identify with you so much.
  19. Except the like infiltrating a family to bring them down from the inside in a weird solidarity pack with my hot sociopathic (assumed) brother
  20. Otherwise the women’s studies thing the working for a gay family thing the white hair in the bun and winged eyeliner, yes girl
  21. Oh no not the clowns in the restaurant
  1. And why do the clowns always do weird sex stuff?
  2. Oz is truly messed up with this Twisty the clown drawing thing
  3. How did Winter get so lucky as to stumble upon an insane child with a murder fetish to show the dark web to?
  4. Honestly Ivy and Ally coming home to a crime scene is sort of how I felt when I came home and watched this episode
  5. The clowns know Oz is watching? And are like happy about it?
  6. How do these things relate at all? Is there a logical explanation or just weird stuff happening all at once to a bunch of different people on accident?
  7. Is there a plot in this season at all?
  8. Wait what that was it?
  9. Wait what?
  10. What?
  11. Wut