I don’t like happy music.
Upbeat rhythm and a very optimistic outlook on life. They are not for me. I prefer sad songs. Sappy music. Slow beats, even slower vocals, and a grim outlook on life. They make me feel. Something that upbeat songs can never let me experience – the feeling of truly feeling something. Maybe that is why I listen to Laash by Lifafa more than I listen to Hello Miss Johnson by Jack Harlow. Jack Harlow makes me forget I’m listening to music. He transports me into a club- flashing lights, mindless dancing, and a generally happy and carefree mood. Lifafa makes me not want to move. Makes me take a walk around a dark and gloomy campus, craving no human interaction, but at the same time yearning for it. Funny feelings. But Jack Harlow? He makes me feel funny.
I don’t like happy music.
They are like Karan Johar’s films. Glossy. Positive. Minor problems that could be solved in a jiffy. I prefer sad songs. They force me to think. To face myself. I don’t get transported into high-rise buildings filled with banquet dinners. Or maybe I do. But these songs let my mind wander. What if I were to jump? Out of the building? Onto the plain concrete beneath me? Or what if I just said sorry to that one person? They force me to look back at all the things I’ve done in the past. All the things I should’ve done. But what if I could go back to the past? Change all the things I wanted to. Would that make a difference?
Why am I so hell bent on changing my past?
Why is anyone so hell bent on changing their own past?
Bewafa hai ghadi [Time is unfaithful]1
Maybe because they don’t trust time. Or time doesn’t trust them. The world insists on deadlines.
“Siddharth! You need to figure out your career, you’re in your second year.”
“You’re a fourth-year student! You haven’t figured out your job prospects yet?
Through all this, you’re never too early to figure out that you might always be too late. Too late to change my major. Too late to tell her I love her. Too late to say I’m sorry. Too late to say I am at fault. Maybe that is why I want to change my past. Because, regardless of what you do. You are bound to always, at some point, be wrong.
Yadoon se khelunga nahin [I will not play with memories]2
But if I were to go back in time. Change everything that happened, everything that I’ve ever done. Am I truly the same person?
“You learn from your mistakes.”
Maybe I don’t want to learn from my mistakes. Maybe I never wanted to make mistakes. Being perfect is what is appreciated in this world, right?
“Siddharth, your assignment had too many mistakes. I’m reducing your grade.”
But shouldn’t I be given an opportunity to learn from mistakes? To become a better person? Why am I being reprimanded for doing something that eventually makes me a better person?
“You’re too hung up on the past.”
Why shouldn’t I be? Am I not because of my past? Is it wrong to worry about the past? Should the future be something I must be worried about, then?
What if I were to change my future?
What if I change my future so that all the mistakes from my past don’t ever happen again? All my problems will vanish. And I just have open pastures to run around in and freedom to do what I want.
Hum toh azaad hawa mein [I am free in the open air]3
If I were to be free from all these hardships, then maybe I would listen to more Jack Harlow than I would to Lifafa. Because maybe then, I don’t have to crave for something I don’t have. I don’t have to worry about my mistakes because they are behind me. I am free. And I can dance free spirited.
Humein door hai jaana, ek raah hai sapnaa. In mushkilon se bhaagun kahaan? [We have far to travel, the road itself is a dream. But where could I possibly run from these hardships?]4
But where do I go? To be free from my past?
I love sad songs.
Sappy lyrics, slow music, pessimistic vocals. Because they remind me that there is no escape from these hardships. That I have to face them right now. I can cry about the past all I want. I can dread the future all I want. But right now. Right now, both of them are out of my reach. And if we know anything about time. It is that it waits for no one. And maybe that is why it is unfaithful.
I don’t like happy music. I love sad music. Because they make me face myself.
Ghabraao naa, zindagi mein hai aaj kar lo pardaafaash [Don’t be afraid—life is now; pull back the veil]5
[1, 2 – Bewafa Hai Ghadi by Laash from Superpower 2020]
[3, 4, 5- Wahin Ka Wahin By Laash from Superpower 2020]