Why You NEED an S.O.

Couples photos annoy the hell out of me. Wanna know why? BECAUSE I AM NOT THAT COUPLE. Alas, alas, I wish for a stable relationship where someone will give me back secret codes to government files and order pizza with me at 2 a.m…. Two good reasons for getting a bae. Here are some others reasons why everyone needs a significant other:

 

An S.O. will help you finish leftovers and, more importantly, give you theirs.

We KNOW you have those days when you’re desperately handing out food and begging your friends to TAKE the curly fries FROM YOUR HAND because my god, you have already had, like, sixty of them. Or you order pizza at 2 a.m. and then think, “Huh? What do I do with the other half?” Well, a significant other is where it’s at. If you’ve got one of those, you can just give them your spare food. You can even make dates when you get together to exchange food. It’s fun. Trust me. And we all know the real reason anybody ever dates at all is to secure a snack supplier for those times when it’s too late or you’re broke or you just don’t want to get up from the couch.

 

Dating will stimulate the economy.

Getting a bae will fulfill every marketing director’s desire. Now, they can sell you that weird-ass glow-in-the-dark lotion to turn on your S.O. You can—no, you have to—buy couples costumes, matching silk pajamas, and matching onesies. Plus, you know, birth control.

 

You’ll no longer need a backpack!

Just drop all your stuff on them. Computer? They can carry it. Wallet, gum, leftover recipes from April 2008, your fave mixtape, or your 500 pounds worth of biology books are their responsibility now. You’re not doing this whole dating right if your S.O. isn’t always carrying around an extra set of clothes for you to wear on your hot bod. Think of it as a small price for dating you, the most fab being on the earth.

 

Dating someone gives you a great excuse to turn in assignments late.

We all know what we’re actually in college for: finding love! Because of this, your professors will be super supportive of you spending a weekend holed up with your S.O. watching lots of Netflix and doing even more chilling. They might even give you extra credit for figuring out what college life is really about!

 

Bae will help you break into banks.

We all know becoming a con artist and stealing money is one of America’s fastest growing jobs. Bae will help you break into those fresh vaults in style. Y’all can engage in some serious dirty talk while committing those felonies

 

Bae will increase your social media likes.

We all know a cute photo of you holding hands or stealing that 100k from your local bank will get, like, all the insta likes. And in a world where your social media likes determine if the aliens will save you or not, you need those fresh double taps.

 

Another human is a little better than that electric blanket you bought at Walmart.

Make them carry you to class in the morning so you don’t have to deal with those frigid temperatures. (They’ll obviously do this regardless of their own schedule, because who cares if they miss a lecture on supply and demand when they’ve got a steady supply of looooove at home?) Share your daily curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry-about-life time with your S.O. so that they can hold you while you sob about the inevitability of death, cute puppies, and that waffle you dropped on the floor this morning; and you’ll be toasty warm during your breakdown!

 

You will finally feel validated.

We all know actual self-confidence is a total joke. Enjoying alone time? Knowing that you look great without someone telling you? That never happens! We are all compliment-hungry, dependent little sheep who will literally start ripping at the seams if we’re single long enough!

 

That was such an emotional, heartfelt list! Now I need a hug. Do you need a hug? Hey, we have something in common! Date me.

      

Image credits: Giphy, Pinimg, Kim Kardashian West