We all have that one person that we dread seeing in public. You know the one that when they walk by you can practically taste the awkwardness? It could be an ex-boyfriend, that guy you used to hook up with, or your one-night stand from last weekend. At a small school like Kenyon, it’s almost impossible to avoid those situations completely, but you can prepare for them. Whether you want to make them jealous or think that you’ve forgotten them all together, here are some tactics for any situation.
Avoid Them At All Costs
The second you see them, you abort the mission. No one can do a 180 faster than a girl who sees an ex-hookup walking in their direction. They’re in line for fries at Comfort? Guess you’re getting salad today. They’re sitting near your usual spot in third floor Olin? Second floor it is. This is one of my go-to reactions, especially right after the incident. One time, I swerved so hard when I saw a guy in the servery that I ran into the glass doors. Not only did this hurt, but the sound of my head making full contact with the glass was enough to alert all of Peirce to my presence, including him. Look before you swerve, people.
Ignore Them
Get your resting bitch face ready, because you’re about to pretend that they do not exist. If you pass them on Middle Path, stare straight ahead. If you see them in Pierce, go about your business without even the slightest head turn. If you’re feeling super ambitious (or petty), accidentally-on-purpose make brief eye contact with them and give them a completely blank stare. They’ll have no idea that you just spent two whole hours analyzing that one text they sent you.
Pretend to Be Completely Occupied by Something Else
I never stare at my phone more intently than when I pass that one guy on Middle Path. Suddenly the cover art of the song I am listening to is the most interesting thing I have ever seen in my entire life. This approach can work in a myriad of situations. If you are doing homework, read that one paragraph like your life depends on it. If you’re on your phone, just start randomly typing gibberish in your notes as if you are sending the world’s most important text. Maybe laugh a little to yourself, like your friend sent you something funny. This isn’t middle-school-play level acting here, guys. You’re going to the Oscars for pretending to Snapchatting. Make it convincing. If you’re talented enough, you can fool them into thinking that you actually have a life and didn’t spend the last three and a half hours watching Westworld in your bed with no pants on.
(This is Meryl Streep and J-Lo applauding your outstanding performance)
Talk Loudly About Something That May Or May Not Have Actually Happened To Make Sure That They Know You’ve Moved On
So what if the guy you kissed over Spring Break wasn’t actually an Abercrombie model? They don’t know that. If you suddenly realize that this person is behind you and your friend in the omelette line, don’t panic! Take advantage of the situation by randomly giving your friend a detailed description of the abs on your latest hookup or a play-by-play of your last text conversation with the cute boy who lives in your hall. It doesn’t matter what you say really, as long as it makes them jealous, because why be mature when you can be petty?
There you go. I hope these examples help you come up with a game plan next time you run into you-know-who. But always remember that no matter what happens, you’re badass and beautiful and know how to slay. Now go out into the world and grace the world with your pettiness.
Image Credit: Featured Image, 1, 2, 3