The Top 10 Things I was Asked by Relatives at Thanksgiving, Ranked by What I Wish I Had Said

As most college students surely know, Thanksgiving is our relatives’ favorite time of the year to ask us an inordinate amount of inappropriate questions. Below is a list of questions my own family members asked me during the holiday, and what I wish I had said in response, ranked in descending order.


10. “Oh wow, Ohio. How’s that winter treating you?”

Great. We just had a couple 50-degree days, thanks to Global Warming, a massive tragedy that the world continues to ignore. More mashed potatoes?


9. “So what are you majoring in?”

Well, I recently declared a major in staring out my window watching a squirrel try over and over to bury an acorn in a pile of leaves before the wind exposes it again, and I’m thinking about a minor in eating only sliced cucumbers and French fries for dinner when the pasta line is too long. I might also consider a concentration in submitting a post to Moodle, but getting locked out of Moodle after I hit “submit,” and having to log back in and re-type the whole post.


8. “You have a roommate this year? I remember when I had to live with someone. How’s that going?”

Great. We’ve just about finished setting up an exotic animal smuggling company out of our double, and business is booming.


7. “How’s it feel to be back home after so many months?”

This morning I accidentally wore flip-flops in the shower and I haven’t left the house in 48 hours. How do you think it feels?


6. “Yeah, I can see the appeal in going to a more rural school. Ya can’t beat the city, though, with all those museums and restaurants and stores at your fingertips.”

Yeah, you also can’t beat access to clean air and apartments that don’t have bugs in the walls and something that isn’t the constant smell of sewage when you step out onto the street. Man, this salad is delicious.


5. “You drove here!? And you’re going to drive back!? How long did that take?”

Oh, you know, just about six years, eight months, three days, and 17 minutes, because Ohio is so incomprehensibly far away, as you like to point out. Can’t wait to return to school at the ripe old age of 33.


4. “So what are you thinking about doing this summer?”

Look out that window. Look at the grass. There’s frost on it. Winter is still coming. Do you think I’ve even made plans for next month?


3. “What classes are you taking this semester?”

Oh, you know. Introduction to a Movement in French Literature That You’ve Never Heard of, a seminar on A Movement in English Literature That You’ve Also Never Heard of, a class that includes A Book You Read in School, Too, And it Completely Changed Your Life, a 300-level course on A Field of Study You Didn’t Even Know Was Relevant Anymore, and another English Class But Why Would I Take Another, Aren’t I Getting Bored Reading so Much? It’s a pretty typical load.

2. “You’ve been here since Saturday? That’s such a long break!”

Yes, my school likes to compensate for its mandatory unlimited meal plan, insufficient health care hours, and forbidding off-campus housing by giving us a couple more days off than usual. But hey, I love it anyway.


1. “So you’re an English major, huh? What are you thinking of doing with that?”

I’m gonna take all your jobs. More asparagus?



What annoying questions did you have to deal with?

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