It’s ya fave satirical babes in our LAST enlightening article of the year. Alas, ‘tis true, we depart you with these wise words, before we embark on a journey of humidity and unpaid internships that is commonly referred to as ‘summer’. Before we go, though, we’d like to share a few things we’ve learned this year….about, you guessed it, MEN.
Don’t ask them to marry you on the first date.
I’m not saying I took a binder full of wedding planning information to our V.I. dinner, but I definitely did. I also talked the entire time about Martha Stewart and cheap and affordable venues. I mentioned that I was a good cook, and had large birthing hips. He was gone before dessert, and I had to pick up the bill.
Men HATE bodily functions.
I’m not sure why men are always stereotyped as burpy, fratty, beer cans, because, LET ME TELL YOU, they hate bodily function of any sort. Whether it’s burping, farting, or endlessly talking about that tampon you just disposed of, men hate admitting humans are humans, and that sometimes we have to poop. As a matter of fact, real men NEVER talk about pee or poop, at all. Men who do are secretly jellyfish posing as humans. One day, they may learn our ways.
If you hook up with a softboy, you will start to love yourself so, so much!
Kenyon softboys may smoke a lot, treat women like crap, and endlessly speak about their feelies, but after spending a terrible and unfulfilling night with them, your self-esteem is boosted because you know deep down in your heart that you will never be as shitty as they are.
Talking to a man is automatically flirting.
This is why I’m rude when I push through the Comfort line at Peirce to get to Vegetarian. I know if I open my mouth, the nearest male will latch on and begin an intricate plan to get me to sleep with him and subsequently marry him. Be wary, ladies, lest you want to be treated well and then accused of leading them on later!
Nice boys have grossly messy rooms and mean boys have freakishly clean rooms with two objects and an immaculately made bed.
It is not a bed meant for sleeping—it is a bed with the sole purpose of inspiring sweet, sweet love-making. Mean boys may also have old scotch bottles, their dad’s Princeton sweatshirts, and a nice Gucci/Hermes something artfully displayed somewhere in the room. But the nice boys might not be able to find a condom under their piles of clothes. Watch out. (Maybe you should just stay home and watch Jane the Virgin instead of going out?)
I guess they get a lot out of cat-calling?
Who knows what it is, because that’s a sure way to turn a woman off, but if it’s working for you…actually, please just stop, okay?
If YOU’VE learned anything about men this year, please leave your comments down below. We’d love to know!
Image credits: Feature, Giphy.com