A few weeks ago, the President of the United States tweeted that he could knock out the former Vice President of the United States. So, naturally, I took this very literally and created an elaborate March Madness-style tournament to determine which American political icon would beat the rest (literally).
I put out the polls on both Facebook and Twitter. The voters were told to vote based on who would most likely win a fist fight, with no weapons allowed. I instructed people to not just vote for who they liked for and they “all totally listened to me.”
In any case, today, I’d like to present A Political Fist Fight:
Round 1
John F. Kennedy vs. Aaron Burr: Well, it looks like Burr isn’t so tough when he isn’t getting a cheap shot in. WINNER: JFK
Eleanor Roosevelt vs. Condoleezza Rice: Condoleezza came out swinging in her first round match. So proud. WINNER: Condoleezza Rice
Andrew Jackson vs. Joseph McCarthy: The battle of the ick. No surprises here. When good ol’ Joe couldn’t hide behind a desk and red fear, he was no match for Andrew Jackson, who was like, wildin’ the whole time he was in office. WINNER: Jackson
Ruth Bader Ginsburg vs. J. Edgar Hoover: No one is surprised by how the public voted. WINNER: RBG
Alexander Hamilton vs. Hillary Clinton: No she couldn’t. The Hamilton train ran right over Secretary Clinton. WINNER: Hamilton
Teddy Roosevelt vs. Benjamin Franklin: The big stick prevails for the first time. WINNER: Roosevelt
Thomas Paine vs. Richard Nixon: Common sense won out this time. WINNER: Thomas Paine
Michelle Obama vs. Abraham Lincoln: Okay, tbh, I thought this would be like a real competition, but Obama SLAPPED Lincoln. My first shock of the games. WINNER: Michelle Obama
Ted Cruz vs. Donald Trump: REALLY, DONALD?! You get out in your FIRST ROUND?! Against TED CRUZ?! I threw you a softball here, man. WINNER: Ted Cruz
Dwight Eisenhower vs. George Washington: Washington did not like Ike. Washington punched Ike in the face. WINNER: George Washington
Jackie Kennedy Onassis vs. Dick Cheney: Jackie O. whipped off her white gloves and used them to beat down Dick Cheney. WINNER: Jackie O.
Martin Luther King Jr. vs. Bernie Sanders: Okay, I’m honestly surprised the Bernie train didn’t run harder on this one. But then, he is an ancient man and Martin Luther King Jr. changed America, soooo…. WINNER: MLK
Rutherford B. Hayes vs. Thomas Jefferson: Really just threw Hayes in here for Kenyon pride. WINNER: Jefferson
Barack Obama vs. Henry Kissinger: Another really old man. This time versus like probably the most in shape President. No contest. WINNER: Barack Obama
Ronald Reagan vs. Malcolm X: Malcolm X went right ahead and punched Ronald Reagan in his movie star face. WINNER: Malcolm X
Sweet 16
Common sense dude (Thomas Paine) vs. the guy with the big stick: The big stick prevails again. WINNER: Roosevelt
basically less hip-hop lin manuel miranda vs daddy joe (Joe Biden): Well, Joe, at least you made it one round further than Trump. Hamilton threw his shot right in Biden’s face. WINNER: Hamilton **a historically accurate reenactment is shown above
the big numero one vs a human pillbox hat (Jackie O.): Mrs. Kennedy was no match for the OG President. She went down hard. WINNER: Washington
writes-letters-on-toilet-paper vs. daveed diggs, but whiter and meaner (Thomas Jefferson): I declare that MLK whooped Jefferson’s ass. WINNER: MLK
eat healthy vs. might be the Zodiac killer (Ted Cruz): Maybe we would have taken down the real Zodiac kill if Michelle’s arms had been on the case. WINNER: Michelle Obama
the best basketball player vs. x marks the spot (Malcolm X): this round was a slam dunk for Barack. (Him and Michelle are literally such a power couple wow.) WINNER: Barack Obama
hot vs. hotter (Condoleezza Rice): John F. Kennedy truly became the underdog of these games at this point. Shock and awe all around. WINNER: JFK
angsty teen rockstar (Andrew Jackson) vs. possibly a chihuahua with glasses: I really thought Jackson was going to ride this thing until the end. But the deep deep love for RBG is just too powerful. Was really looking forward to Roosevelt beating down Jackson, but this’ll do. WINNER: RBG
The Elite 8
named after the youngest tanner on full house vs. has both a state and district named after him (George Washington): Washington crossed the Delaware just have to have Michelle meet him on the other side with her FISTS OF FURY. WINNER: Michelle Obama
yesterday vs. today (Barack Obama): In a shocking turn of events, Barack Obama gets taken down by Martin Luther King Jr. Michelle cried and promised to avenge his defeat. WINNER: MLK
three letters (JFK) vs. three letters (RBG): RBG continues her Cinderella run by smacking the stuff out of softboi JFK. WINNER: RBG
BIG. MAGIC. STICK. vs. always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-president (Alexander Hamilton): The stick beats down the like most beloved American hero this side of Broadway. WINNER: Teddy Roosevelt
The Final 4
The Notorious RBG vs. Rough Ridin’ Roosevelt: Well, the RBG train finally came to an end. Her gavel was no match for Roosevelt’s big magic stick. WINNER: Roosevelt
Michelle vs. Martin: Michelle Obama is an unstoppable force. And before you say “Well, MLK, was all for non-violent intervention?”, homeboy made it to the final 4 so he was clearly punching down some folks. WINNER: Michelle Obama
Championship Round
Now, I gotta say, I actually expected this to be closer. Michelle Obama is a force to be reckoned with and Teddy Roosevelt is the most notorious rough-and-rowdy President. But, 79 votes to a meager 41, Michelle Obama truly just knocks Teddy Roosevelt. Long live the Queen, baby.
Thank you for joining me on this absurd journey. It was truly a joy to see the voters discuss the matches in Facebook comments and message me when their pick lost. I think the best woman truly won and I think that I really want a comic series depicting Michelle Obama and Teddy Roosevelt as a crime-fighting duo. That’s important to me.
Also, just for fun, I made a poll on Facebook last night pitting Trump and Biden against each other. As of writing this, there are still 8 hours left in the poll, but Biden’s currently winning 53 to 4… so… yeah. There’s a clear winner as to who would knock out who there.