Break is supposed to be a time to relax, to unwind, and to find yourself again—and to regain feeling in your fingers after the repetitive stress injury that typing five essays on Ascension’s third floor over finals week gave you. Break is a time to get some much needed distance from the rural Ohioan bubble you call home, while still significantly missing all of its quirks, like Peirce-inflicted indigestion, Moxie hype, and long Wiggins chats over delicious grilled cheese. Most importantly though, break is a time to pursue the things that you’ve been putting off all semester, like that loom weaving you left at home, that Netflix show you’ve been dying to catch up on, or just simply the necessity of a good night’s sleep. My personal intention for winter break was to wallow in my newly found free time.
Yet one important aspect of this wallowing that I didn’t anticipate was its context: family. Being in college and away from home for such long periods of time felt like a different sort of break in itself; a break from the responsibility of being a member of a family, a step-sibling, and an only daughter. College gave me some much needed distance away from the responsibility and weight that these parts of my identity carry. It is important to note thought that distance was not the only thing that my transition to college (and the independence that comes with it) gave me, but it also amplified my sense of family dynamics while home on break. Being back home felt like reliving all the emotions I had felt during my childhood, like growing up all over again. Arguments felt amplified in their emotionality and in their effect on me. I had assumed that because I had changed and grown so much over the course of a semester in college, everyone else had too. When I found that this was not the case, the dysfunction I felt surrounding me was all the more frustrating.
This feeling of reliving negative emotions and re-experiencing strained relationships with family can understandably be challenging to navigate. It can also be quite triggering, especially when you are placed in certain situations at home that bring up memories that are less than savory. I found this to be especially challenging when on vacation with family. While at home it’s somewhat possible to escape strained family dynamics and arguments by leaping into the arms of hometown friends or going out for a walk, but vacation is a very different environment. Spending time with family is not only an expectation but is considered a necessary commitment while on vacation. Being expected to spend twenty four hours a day with family, and feeling like taking time for yourself is selfish, can feel incredibly isolating and emotionally taxing. Feeling stuck in a moment of negative emotion, without a foreseeable way to get distance and clarity, can end up feeling suffocating. Although this feeling can certainly become all-encompassing, it is important to realize that you are not trapped and there are things you can and should do to help yourself! The following are a few actions that I was able to take to take care of myself and my needs on family vacation:
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Make time to be alone. Most activities during a family vacation are not conducive to alone time and may leave you feeling like you have little to no control over the way your time is spent. This makes it essential to get creative in finding time for yourself and your needs. This alone time, to unwind and find distance, can come in the form of a pampering morning routine, or a walk around the area you’re staying. Alone time can even become closing your eyes and decompressing on the car ride to the next family activity.
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Bring a distraction. Music always works for me. If I find myself feeling stuck in the negative emotions around me I put on some music to distract myself. Reading an entertaining book works the same way; focusing on something positive allows me to distance myself from the situation that is causing me emotional distress. Yet, it’s important to recognize that this is a distractor not a solution.
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Distance yourself. Even if this distance can’t be physical, it’s important to create distance between yourself and the charged situation, especially if it seems to be escalating. This can mean physically removing yourself from a situation, if that’s possible, or simply refusing to respond or add to a conflict. It also includes the aftermath of conflict. Instead of obsessing over an upsetting encounter, focus your attention elsewhere; focus on enjoying yourself on vacation and whatever that means to you!
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Be vocal! Talk about it. Unless, of course, it isn’t safe to do so. Although it’s best to try to avoid working through family issues on vacation, you should never end up feeling like you’ve compromised your own happiness by ignoring your emotions. I struggle the most with this. In any relationship it’s important to empathize with the other party’s perspective and remain understanding. At the end of the day though, empathy should never come at the price of sacrificing your own needs. If you feel that you have been compromising too much, find a way to express your concerns to your family in a casual way. Non-violent communication is a great method. Written words are also a non-confrontational way to share a feeling– consider sending a casual text.
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Learn to focus on the positives! While sometimes conflict can feel all-encompassing and can certainly sour the mood of a family vacation, it’s important to remember that vacation is supposed to be your time too! Arguments might spring up and dysfunction might rear its ugly head, but there are a lot of positive things that can also come from vacationing with family: new connections, shared experiences, and precious time together! True, your family might be imperfect…but so are you. It takes a lifetime to grow together and learn from each other, try to remind yourself of this when times get hard.
Although it’s important to appreciate and respect your family, it’s also important to realize that addressing and advocating for your needs in a family relationship isn’t selfish, and doesn’t show a lack of respect. There is no such thing as a perfect family. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Every family has their own quirks and shortcomings, and everyone must take different steps in navigating their family relationship.
One important lesson that coming to college taught me is that every relationship is subject to change. Some relationships simply change naturally, with time, while others take a lot of effort and commitment to improve. Although the state of a family relationship may feel like it will never improve, it is important to remember that even this relationship will evolve and mature as you do. While it is important to put in the time to work on the relationships that are important to you, it is just as important to work on your relationship with yourself. This isn’t selfish. Do what you need to for yourself, even if it means that others will have to wait for your attention. Don’t overextend yourself, as this will not only put a strain on your mental health but also on the quality of the relationships in your life. Most importantly, be patient with others, especially those that you care about, without allowing your well-being to be compromised. If you ever feel that your own well-being is being compromised when working on a relationship, address it—honesty is always the best policy. Be honest with others and with yourself about your emotions. I’ve found that I learned another important lesson over break: there’s no such thing as a perfect family vacation. I love my family in spite of our imperfect vacationing abilities.