The title is a parody of the South Park movie. It’s a shame that, unlike the South Park movie (or the last 50 Shades movie), this movie wasn’t funny.
So. None of you asked for this. I didn’t even want to do this. But I guess I’m a masochist (ha ha, BDSM joke in a review on Fifty Shades) because I did it anyway.
I have so much to say, I won’t be able to fit it all into one article. I won’t even be able to get past the first ten minutes. My god, I have so many notes (eight notebook pages!!).
Yeah, this movie wasn’t even funny. I know NO ONE expected it to be good, but it was not even “so bad it’s good” bad.
This is a play by play. I just…need to go into detail about how UNBELIEVABLE this movie is.
Oh, and SPOILERS, IF YOU CARED!
Let’s begin: Why this movie sucks, in 10 minutes.
The movie starts with a nightmare. Baby Christian Grey is hiding from his father, who burns him with a cigarette. Adult Grey cries out in his sleep. Ok, so this movie is gonna be plot-based, then. I’m glad the screenwriters have decided what they wanted, but it was probably safer to just make this movie about sex and not try to make it an actual romance. Whatever…whatever.
Title sequence: FIFTY SHADES DARKER. This title is misleading. This movie doesn’t get darker, it gets sweeter. Fifty Shades Cuter. Fifty Shades Cuddlier.
Anyway, some postman walks up to the door with a delivery for our leading lady, Anastasia “Can jet fuel melt” Steele (beams): roses in a glass vase, with a note from Grey that reads, “congrats on your new job.”
Some questions: How does he know she has a new job? Why does he still contact her? Why is Ana OK with this? Am I the only one not OK with this? Who could be OK with this? How does she not have a restraining order against this guy yet? Anastasia, are you even human? Oh wait, I know the answer to that last one: NO.
But awwwwwww, he sent her roses, how sweet!
Anastasia walks over to the trash and opens it, like she’s gonna throw this oversized bouquet and water-filled glass vase into a tiny dustbin. She doesn’t, but whatever.
So then we cut to her new job. She works as an assistant to a higher up at a publishing firm. How she landed a job, I dunno, but it was probably because she’s good looking. Now, that might sound sexist, but after looking at her boss for literally half a second, I’m fairly convinced I’m right.
Her boss, Jack Hyde (Mr. Hyde is already an accurate epithet, but I call him “Jack the Ripper”), is somehow the slimiest bastard alive, which is really saying something. He openly flirts with Anastasia and never gets called out by other employees. I hate him, not because he’s creepy, but that he makes the other creepy characters look like saints. I hate this, because must openly root for Christian Grey to “save” Ana from Jack. Christian Grey is a psycho, but he’s somehow better than Jack. Grey is somehow a good guy.
Ana then goes to her friend’s art show. Her friend was in the last movie but I forgot. The pictures are… nice, until the camera turns to a room full of headshots of Anastasia.
This was the best acting in the movie. Anastasia looks at all these glamour shots, making the most horrified face. Usually, Dakota Johnson never has the right reaction to the things happening around her, but this was good. Props, I guess, for acting in an erotica.
We then find out that someone has bought all of the “straight-out-of-an-L.L.Bean-catalog” Anastasia photos. I wonder who could’ve done that. Probably some guy who has a lot of money, a lot of stalkerish tendencies, and a huge boner for Anastasia. Need a hint? His name starts with a “C,” and rhymes with “Christian Grey.”
Then, the music rises and HE shows up.
The actor who plays Christian Grey is Irish. Accent and everything! Damn, I genuinely thought he was an American. Props to you, Jamie Doorman (Did I get that right?), but still… #notmychristian.
The actors stare at each other for nine seconds, like they haven’t seen each other in years. This makes me think. How long has it been since they were together? What’s the general timeline of events? How long were they even dating? How long have they known each other? What’s the passage of time? Is there a passage of time?
Anastasia calls Grey out for buying all the paintings. He goes, “I don’t like strangers gawking at you.” She finds that cute, because she’s not human.
Grey cajoles Ana into having dinner with him (she says “no” 3 times!!!). Grey also tries to order for Anastasia. I’m certain the screenwriters want me to hate him up to this point, until he makes these puppy dog eyes and asks Ana to come back. It’s actually kind of… endearing. I’m reminded that Jamie Doorhandle is Irish, and start hallucinating that he’s a good actor.
Actually, I recently saw How to Be Single, and Johnson does a solid job. Are… are the actors in this movie good?
But….then the waiter uncorks a wine bottle for an uncomfortably long time, and Dakota Johnson broke character and smirked because of how awkward it was. So I guess she isn’t that good. Not that I blame her, the uncorking bit was over 30 seconds long.
There’s some exposition, blah blah pity, unwarranted Ana sass, blah blah, congratulations, they’re back together again! I consider celebratory suicide as my way to honor the happy couple.
And then, some wonderful things that occur within 30 seconds of each other:
Grey has a laptop and a phone ready to give Ana in his car. Both are Apple, the logo was pretty clear. Why am I mentioning this? Well, I’m starting to think there’s a lot of sponsors backing this movie, some more obvious than others. I’ll address this later.
Anastasia says “This is spikey, I like it.” She’s referring to Christian’s stubble (which I personally dislike… #notmycleanshavenchristian). Remember, Ana is an English major, even though she talks like a third grader.
Anastasia texts, “Laters, Baby.” If you didn’t know, this is a callback to a terrible scene in the first movie.
I roll my eyes so far into the back of my head they get stuck there.
I lose 40 IQ points. There goes the last of them, I lost quite a few watching the first of this series.
I start to cry myself to sleep.
I have come to the conclusion that there is no God, because He would’ve never have been so cruel as to sit me down and watch this movie. Or if there was a God, then He must hate my guts. Is it me? Was I Rakosi in a past life?
Welcome to my personal hell. Part two coming soon.