As someone who is having sex and hears other women discuss their sexual encounters (I promise it’s an important topic for feminism), there’s one particular aspect of female sexuality that irks me: the orgasm gap. Just to be clear, I use the term “orgasm gap” to refer to the disparity between how often men finish during heterosexual sex compared to women. It is a fact and it needs to be addressed.
To be clear, this gap is not women’s fault, nor are men solely to blame. Rather, there are a lot of factors at work or not at work. For one, anatomy can explain that the clitoris in particular is not ideally positioned for stimulation during penetrative sex. That, coupled with a communication breakdown when it comes to pleasure, as well as the framework of the “hookup culture,” which tends to focus on benefitting men more than women, leads to the frustrating gap.As one of my female friends described her experience with casual hookups in college: “During sex, it’s a big deal when men don’t finish, and it’s definitely not the same when women don’t reach orgasm. And somehow when men don’t finish it’s his partner’s fault. Something women should get worked up about. Yet, with women there’s this attitude of ‘oh well that’s normal’ or ‘better luck next time.’”
Not to mention that sex is thought of as lasting only until the man comes, as another friend pointed out: “He penetrated me for two minutes, which was fairly boring for me. While he was finishing, he asked if I had come too, and I sorta laughed out of frustration. Orgasming definitely does not happen as easily as it does in movies or how some men seem to think it does!” Hey, but at least this guy asked!
According to Cosmopolitan’s Female Orgasm Study in 2015 (it’s legit I swear), only 57% of women have orgasms “most or every time” with a partner. Yet, 95% said their partner finishes “most or every time.” So why the huge disparity?
This is where the importance of talking about sex, and specifically female sexuality comes in! Women and men aren’t taught enough about their own bodies, let alone how each other’s bodies work. Add in the fact that our culture isn’t taught to talk about pleasure, and it’s no surprise that there are so many straight women not having orgasms with their partner (or faking them instead, which is a whole different topic that makes me even sadder). So let’s talk about all things female sexuality and how to close that gap so everyone can have happy endings (because consensual, equally stimulating sex is what we’re all about!):Let’s start with repeating the phrase that women not having an orgasm in not “the norm.” No. Nope. Not at all. The end goal of sex should be that both partners are satisfied. Period. Because male ejaculation is often portrayed as the “finale” of heterosexual sex (in movies and more explicitly in straight porn) we often think of sex as “over” when he finishes, regardless of where she’s at.
To re-frame how we think about pleasure with a partner we need to stop compartmentalizing male and female pleasure. Instead, let’s think about sex as a joint effort in which both people (or more people, you do you) experience equal pleasure.Masturbate! Yeah, you heard me. Female masturbation is a thing and we should recognize it just as openly as we recognize male masturbation! Not to mention the health and relaxation benefits of orgasming, masturbation also helps us explore our bodies on our own to know exactly what does and doesn’t work for us.
As CEO of Dame Products Alexandra Fine explained: “In order to ask for something, you also have to know what to ask for, and this is where masturbation comes in. Masturbation is an amazing way to explore your own sexuality, learn about what you like, and allow yourself to then talk about those preferences with others. It’s also just great on its own!” Preach!The next step can often be the most intimidating: we all need to be comfortable vocalizing our likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. Talking about sex might not be second nature to you, but communication will ensure that you and your partner are on the same page about each other’s pleasure. Okay, can we talk about the clit now? It’s a cultural problem that penetration and clitoral stimulation are not viewed as “equal” on the spectrum of sexual activities. Even though no one is complaining about foreplay, all that “stuff” is often portrayed as “build up” to the main event for straight couples: penetration. But going back to Cosmo’s 2015 study, only 15% of women reported that they often orgasm from penetration alone. The take-away? Don’t forget the damn clit!As someone who wants everyone who is having consensual sex to be having safe, enjoyable sex, I could go on about this topic for days. The orgasm gap is about far more than an equal distribution of orgasms. Why aren’t women speaking up? Why are girls still being socialized to be passive and quiet? Where’s the sexual education? Why do too many of us feel ashamed of our bodies and our desires?
When it comes down to it, pleasure keeps us healthy and happy, and women deserve to get their fair share of it! So let’s enjoy and embrace our bodies, engage our partners in open discussions, and celebrate the wonderful complexities of sex. Of all the gaps in gender equality, orgasms do not need to be one of them!