It is hard to know who you are. To live as your authentic self is not an easy task. Coming to college, many of us felt like we had the opportunity either to embrace truths we had previously ignored or to create new ones to identify with. Particularly striking for me during my freshman year was the feeling of returning to the place I had lived in all my life, and realizing that while I wasn’t entirely sure who I was at Kenyon, I definitely was not the same as I had been at home. I filled different roles at college and in high school. Being away at school, you’re put in this odd position of sometimes living a double life. The goal, I think, is to match your home and your school identity in an effort to be as authentic as you can. So when one of my sisters decided to visit Kenyon this year, I was unbelievably excited—and curious.
I refer to who I was during my freshman year at Kenyon as being “a zombie.” There were some deep issues that began almost immediately upon arrival and did not end until a few days before I left for the summer. I was not myself last year, not even close. This year, however, I’m living far more the way I want to, but my gauge is still a little off. I was looking forward to my sister coming to campus and telling me what she saw.
Having a sibling visit campus is more like having a friend around than a parent—depending, of course, on your family situation and closeness. I’ve always been very close with both of my sisters and when they are around, I feel like I’m home no matter where I physically am. My sister is 27; she is both enough of an adult that she could buy me food at Walmart and enough of a peer that I could tell stories about last Friday without really having to censor myself. While my relationship with my parents has always been open and honest, my friends and I felt way more comfortable hanging around my sister talking with her about our lives. She has the opportunity to be present, but also invisible enough that people were honest in their behavior.
By the end of her weekend here, she told me that I got the sister stamp of approval. According to her, it seemed like the people I surrounded myself were kind, smart, and, most importantly to her, loved me. She said that I was more like myself than I’d been since last year and that I had built a new life at Kenyon.
Her visit allowed me to see my experience at Kenyon the way an outsider would, an outsider who loves me and only wants me to be happy. It’s not always a good thing to rely on outside approval, but it was nice to have my sister tell me that I was, in fact, doing a good job. Sometimes, a little reassurance and a little comfort from someone you trust can go a long way. When anyone visits you at college all the way from home, your lens gets wider. You are given a physical reminder that life exists outside of Kenyon, and that so do you.
Image credits: Lily Alig, erickadolnakova, kenyon.edu