This week, Legolas, elf-prince, member of the fellowship of the ring, and well-known hair and beauty expert will answer your relationship questions.
Dear 3 Wheels,
I’ve been hooking up with a guy for a few weeks, and all of the sudden he started ignoring me out of the blue, and now he’s dating someone else. I’m really confused, and wonder if I should talk to him about it, or if I did something wrong?
Best,
Kind of Sad L
Dear ‘Kind of Sad’,
Do not fear, for the hearts of mortal men—excluding Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and king of Gondor, who you owe your allegiance to—are weak. I would suggest you turn your attention to causes that are worthier of your spirit and time, such as hair-care, or defending your realm from impending doom and darkness. If this mortal man you have been seeing is anything like Boromir, son of Denethor, or Gollum, I suggest you not fret over his lack of interest.
Farewell,
Legoals
Dear 3 Wheels,
ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE DATING EXCEPT ME. WHAT THE HELL? HELP.
—DESPERATE
Dear DESPERATE,
I am a firm believer that it is worth waiting for someone to spend a lifetime with, rather than succumbing to whomever is available, and perhaps this is your current predicament. Look to your heart, and confide in yourself for answers.
It took me almost 2,500 years to find my equal, Gimli, son of Gloin, who I now intend to travel into the Grey Havens with. However, the wait for such an individual was worth it. I urge you to wait for a person worthy of yourself, rather than settling, and accept that perhaps your friends have found beings of their liking faster, and that you one day will as well. If you are insecure of your ability to ensnare someone, I suggest either lowering your standards, or, like my friend Samwise, mustering the courage up to ask individuals you’d like to court to a marry you.
Farewell,
Legolas
Dear 3 Wheels,
Do you have any tips on hair and makeup?
Thanks,
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
You are in luck, for I am well-versed in these types of things! I straighten my hair with a hot iron every morning, and then bathe it in a special blend of starlight, mint, and other elvish herbs. If these are not available to you, store bought is fine. As for my looks, I am an elf, and am naturally beautiful, so my spotless skin, perfectly symmetrical face, and beautiful blue eyes are a product of my heavily blessed genetics. I’m not sure if I can assist you here. However, my mortal friends Faramir, son of Denethor, and Eowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan, may have some good tips. You can contact them at:
J.R.R. Street
Gondor, Middle Earth
13022
I do hope this helps, melon-nin.
Farewell,
Legolas
Hey 3 Wheels,
So I used your cheeto sex tips and it worked SO WELL. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this!
Thanks,
Flaming Hot
Dear Flaming Hot,
I am quite confused as to what a ‘cheeto’ is? Is this a dwarven invention for mining gold and jewels, or a food created by hobbits? Either way, I am delightfully intrigued, and would like to send some to my friends Aragorn and Arwen, king and queen of Gondor, as they are always interested in hearing about new and exciting things.
Farewell,
Legolas
There you go, folks. The one and only blond heartthrob has all the answers. Good luck finding the Legolas to your Gimli! I’m not a nerd, hahahaha…
Image credits: Giphy.com