We’ve all been there—we’ve seen our hook-ups in Peirce and awkwardly stared/smiled/had a weird interaction with them and then never talked to them again. The popular term for this behavior is ghosting, and, my god, is it hard to master. Fear no more! Here is a comprehensive guide on how to properly ghost people.
Get into character.
When ghosting someone, actually get into character. Put on a white sheet, cut out two holes for eyes, and run up to the person you hooked up with, shouting, “BOO!” at any time you see them. This is best if done on a Sunday, Saturday, Monday, or Thursday, the day after you’ve done the deed with someone. This way, your identity will be hidden under a bedsheet, so people still won’t know you’ve banged a hottie the night before, but they’ll KNOW something happened due to your ghost costume.
Haunt them.
Option two may require a little more research. Find out the person’s full name and P.O. box so you can send them weird letters or haikus signed “XOXO, Ghost-ip Girl”, like in that TV show about rich kids in new york, but ghost-style. Include glitter and ghost stickers in your letter so they’ll get a surprise when they open it up every time they get a letter from you!
Follow them everywhere.
Option three is hard, too. Because you’re supposed to be avoiding this person at all costs, you should try to blend into your surroundings and become 100% invisible—that way the person you’re trying to ghost will NEVER see you. Hide behind shelves/books/a weird sculpture as you see your hookup/soon-to-be-ex walking around. Disguise yourself as a bush on middle path. Glue branches to your clothes and sit still, really getting into the mindset of shrubbery as you hold your breath while the person you’re trying to ghost passes you on middle path.
Change your identity.
Option four is a bit more creative. If someone approaches you, texts you, or asks to hang out again and you don’t want to, reply with something that will confuse them by making a new identity for yourself. Tell them your name isn’t Taylor, but Lord/Lady Bombleforth the Ninth, and that you fight dragons for a living. Confuse them by telling them you TOTALLY WEREN’T at that Old K party last week but were attending to your good crops and horses on your local potato farm. If you change your identity, they won’t try and pursue you. Wahoo!
Become the Great Gatsby.
Option five may take some resources. Kenyon has many English majors, so why not embrace one of American’s most famous pieces of literature when ghosting someone?Build a giant mansion right outside their dorm, a la Gatsby style (but without the intention of getting Daisy back). Host parties there, and invite the entire student body by hand-delivered gold invitations… except for your hook-up. Don’t invite them at all, ever. While you’re throwing a party, stay in the corner, never revealing yourself, except to preppy students named Nick who are living in your basement. Dress in bright pink suits and ride around campus in a bright convertible, saying weird phrases like, “Here comes dat old sport… Oh shit, waddup!”
Fake your own death.
The last option for ghosting is, without a doubt, the hardest. This requires you to fake your own death. Email your professors telling them EXACTLY what you’re doing (they’ll totally understand) and then have your friends wear black for a week, pretending they’re in mourning for you. Announce your death in the Collegian to make it look super real. P.S.: During this entire week, Facebook is a no-go. Your hook up might see that you’ve been on, which would totally blow your cover.
Ok, y’all. Now you know EXACTLY what to do if you don’t want to make things awkward. Have a great Halloween, fam.
Image credits: giphy.com