You meant to do the reading, and then those Snapchat news stories were super interesting and you lay on your bed for too long thinking about going to the KAC and then you fell asleep. And you did not do your reading, not in the least. But there’s a cutie in your class, so you might as well kill two birds with one stone, and flex your flirting muscles to not fail the participation grade portion of this class.
Bribery.
The way to anyone’s heart, brain, or genital region is through the power of pie. Cook up a big, juicy one. Make sure the crust is thick, and firm. Then unveil your culinary creation during class, making sure to drag it under the nose of the person you need to get the information about the reading from. They will take it from you. They are now in your debt. Use the pie to obtain the information. You have a near pie-fect plan.
Makeup > homework.
Spend the same amount of time you could have spent doing the reading putting layers of makeup on your face to hide absolutely all imperfections. What do you want people to think when they see you? Wow, it’s like she never does the reading. But she sure is put together! Exactly. This way, when you lean over to Cutie #1 during your pop quiz and ask who killed Juliet at the end of the play, they’ll be so blown away by your Maybelline radiance that they spill info.
Cry.
No one likes to see blatant vulnerability. Just let the water flow, and take special care in mentioning your dead aunt Tilda and the crippling existential pain of forgetting to read twenty pages of John Locke. Your classmates will help you and give you all the answers once they see you in distress. Make sure to bat your eyelashes and coo over whoever has given you said information. Treat them like they are your savior.
Ask your crush if they want to study with you.
And by study you do mean study (the other stuff will follow, no worries), then proceed to spend a whole hour starting sentences like, “I thought it was really interesting how he said that thing about women…what was that thing?” or “I didn’t hear the argument, could you explain it?” Then you’ll seem both helpless (the most attractive quality, we know) and prepared in class.
Order a bunch of liquid pheromones off eBay.
Spray them on your body like perfume until your scent is SO irresistible that people will be clamoring for a chance to just give you the 411 on anthropology of sexuality and how the patriarchy has controlled women for most of history. Trust me, the pheromones work. I once tried them while out at a party and FOURTEEN raccoons came up to me. Also maybe one boy did? Idk. Point is, the raccoons do my bidding now, and your classmates could do yours soon too if you give ye old pheromones a try.
I genuinely felt so bad for Phoebe in that one episode of Friends where Rachel stole her great comment about Wuthering Heights but hadn’t read the book. But Rachel’s cute, so it was fine, right?