It has been scientifically proven that around the age of twelve, we, as human beings, are at our worst. Okay, maybe not really, but it’s anecdotally true! This is an age old tale. Your parents, your grandparents, your great-grandparents—all were certifiable assholes in their preteens.
What makes this cursed era a little more dangerous for the Millennial is the fact that there is a good chance you had a Facebook or a Myspace, or what have you, during these dark ages. My family jokes about the fact that I was allowed to get a Facebook at age eleven, and we like to say it was the result of some laissez-faire parenting that tends to come the way of the baby of the family (in this case, myself).
Perhaps my parents were actually very thoughtful geniuses with a lesson in mind, since there is really no greater source of humility than your past Facebook self.
However, because I love myself, and before launching my career as a college student, I thought it might be wise to purge my social media. Here’s an abridged list of Facebook pages that the 2010 version of me apparently identified with. Mostly, I’m horrified, but also—what an era!
-“Being badass”
-“The guy who created Super Mario was definitely on shrooms”
-“Hey cupid, can you shoot both of us next time?”
-“Oh hey, life, I didn’t see you behind all that school”
-“Is that a spray tan or did you get attacked by an orange marker?”
-“Crazy weekends”
-“I wish I could turn the time back”
-“I knew that song before it was popular”
-“Just when I get used to it being 2009, it’s 2010!!!!”
-“Anybody can be a player, it takes a real man to be in a relationship”
-“Old enough to know it’s a bad idea, young enough not to care” apparently 12 is the sweet spot!!
-“Not being eaten by sharks”
-“Remember me? I once meant everything to you”
-“Not falling out of a roller coaster”
-“I’m the type of person to say haha instead of lol”
-“I dream about the day I won’t have to fake my age on websites”
-“(S) H E (B E) L I E (V E) D”
-“Did you really just like your own status?”
-“Selfie punk”
-“Looking at old pictures & noticing how lame you were when you were younger” (the irony is palpable!!!!!)
I still have over one thousand Facebook likes and I don’t know how to delete the rest. It’s probably something to celebrate, being humiliated by our old social media presentations. It’s like rereading your diary years later and wanting to take a cheese grater to your face. It isn’t a good feeling, but at least you know you’re growing. Maybe the day we look a few years back and we don’t feel embarrassed by our social media is truly the day to fear. But until then, I’d like to invite whichever parent is responsible for allowing my preteen self to create this account, to come forward and share in some of the blame.
These Facebook pages are the epitome of a tragic and dramatic middle school ego. Evidently, my preteen self could not only tell the players from the real men, but she could also identify psychedelic influences in pop culture. Some of these pages are questionable, others are stupid, a few are hilarious, and all embarrassing. While I know now to demonstrate only my refined taste and far-left politics, a part of me misses the unbridled, unashamed, unfiltered Facebook liking sprees that my younger self would go on every time I stayed home sick. These pages remind me that I am never, ever as cool as I think I am, but they also remind me that being honest and embarrassing is sometimes much better.