This article is part of our “Cupid at Kenyon” series, in which our writers talk about Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and a lot of us are single, which means we will most likely spend the whole day complaining and drawing more attention to the large, gaping hole in our miserable lives. But, not all of us! If you’re one of the lucky few who isn’t totally alone this February, you might find yourself stuck in a rut about what to get your significant other to really show your love. If you feel like the standard flowers-and-chocolates route is too insincere, and you want to convince your Valentine that you put some serious thought into your gift, look no further. I’ve compiled a list of creative, non-traditional Valentine’s Day gifts for your #bae. You’re welcome in advance.
1. Do their laundry for them. Don’t tell them about it. When they ask you where their Valentine’s day gift is, smile and say “do you remember how all your clothes were folded and put away this morning?” If they say no, give them a lengthy lecture on why it’s important to take note of the small things in life.
2. Realize that there is no better gift than the gift of you. They love you, so why wouldn’t they love one hundred carefully selected photos of you taped to every surface of their dorm room? It’s the same idea as Kim Kardashian’s selfie book, except it costs less, makes a far bigger splash, and it has to be cleaned up afterward.
3. Make them a mixtape of all your favorite love songs. This one’s a win-win because you get to live out your dream of being a quirky YA love interest, and they get a mixtape. When they tell you they “don’t have a cassette player,” and that “nobody born after 1995 has a cassette player,” and they “wouldn’t even know where to get a cassette player, and “why didn’t you just make me something on Spotify, babe,” remind them that a relationship takes two people and you can’t be the only one putting in effort.
4. Make them a home-cooked meal. Nothing shows commitment like a hot, delicious dinner served with love. If they seem a little disappointed that the dinner is a cup of shrimp-flavored instant Ramen with a side of a pale grey maybe-tofu dish you stole from the dining hall, inform them that your dorm doesn’t have a kitchen and you’re doing the best you can.
5. Steal them the actual flower-crowned skull of Saint Valentine from the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome. If they’re weirded out, remind them that you’ve got the entire Vatican police department on your heels right now, and they should really look into appreciating what a sacrifice you’ve made for them.
6. Rip your heart out. Just reach right in and pull it out and mail it to them on a silver platter with a note that says, “Are you happy, now? Is this good enough for you, Jake?” Don’t actually do this, okay, but think long and hard about it in the metaphorical sense while you wait all day for him to return your calls. (Jake, if you’re reading this, know that I am very happy and well-adjusted and I don’t care that everything you ever said to me turned out to be a cruel, cruel lie).
7. Or just, like, make them a card or something. I don’t know. Do I have to do everything for you people? Haven’t you discovered Buzzfeed by now?