For the first time in my 19 and a bit years of life, I was no longer single on Valentine’s Day. And, to be honest, I was jazzed about it. I like the idea that the core demographic of the holiday – couples – included me for a change. I liked the idea of getting cheap chocolates and acting like my relationship was equivalent to the fake photo inserts of a happy couple in a picture frame.
So this is what I did for Valentine’s Day: Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Fuck all.
Max’s mother bought him a heart-shaped box of chocolates that I ended up eating alone. We watched pick me up YouTube videos (because I was having a bad day) and talked about how we’ve never been in love. We ordered pizza and didn’t eat it. We fell asleep at 11 pm.
This Valentine’s Day was not the best night of my relationship. It simply highlighted all the things I liked on different days. Because I was unhappy on Wednesday, I was reminded of the other days where Max and I had an amazing time together. Looking back, I started to wonder if I squandered it. I think there’s something nice about engaging the stereotypes associated with the holiday. I would have loved to have an amazing dinner with the guy I like. I would have loved to be showered with more roses than Angela from American Beauty. And yet, I opted to have none of that. I opted to treat it like a subpar Wednesday night because that was how I was feeling.
This is my opinion: I don’t think getting gifts on Valentine’s Day is really special anymore. I think that it has become an expected practice. I think getting small gifts on random days or anniversaries (which are specific to each couple) throughout the year is significantly nicer than getting that one big gift on a designated holiday. Getting flowers on Valentine’s Day is customary. Getting them at a random time is significant.
I didn’t feel special on Wednesday, because it wasn’t our day. When I was single, I was resentful of all these couples all having an amazing time together. In hindsight, however, I find that picture frame idea I hyped up to be annoying now that I have the opportunity to be in the frame. I felt like I was required to be romantic with Max, and that I failed somehow by being blase. When my day wasn’t going well, I thought I wasn’t allowed to be upset or angry. And when I continued to feel bad, I thought I was failing even harder.
I think that Valentine’s Day is a holiday for single people. It’s something that I strived to one day celebrate. But it’s lame. It made me feel obligated to act a certain way, because every other couple was acting that way. And by acting like the norm, I was supposed to feel special. I didn’t. When I was single, I thought that I deserved to feel loved like the main character in a rom-com. I simply failed to realize that when every couple says that it’s their day, then, for me, it becomes no one’s day.
So for all the people who are in a relationship: I hope you had a fabulous day that was just what you wanted, and I wish I could have felt the same about mine. And for all the people without an S/O, know that this holiday is not all hearts and roses. It’s just another day in the life.