Recently, after a night of way too much alcohol, I had to come face to face with an issue that has haunted me for a long time. I do dumb shit for love and attention from boys. More importantly, I entered into the hookup scene without even knowing what I was getting into.
Traditionally, young men were given the freedom to sleep around as much as they wanted before they settled down, while women were forced to retain their virginity until marriage. If a woman were to give herself away before getting married, she was deemed impure and therefore less valuable. As time has gone on and women have gained more freedoms, young women have joined today’s hookup culture, and there are now many more girls who choose to have sex before marriage. Women do have more sexual freedom within today’s culture than they did way back when, but this doesn’t mean that those who choose to partake in the hookup culture aren’t judged more severely than men. In fact, although women are technically allowed to hook-up with whomever they wish today, they are often called out for being “sluts” or “whores” if their list of partners is too long. For a man, having many sexual encounters is seen as a sign of strength and pride, whereas for a woman, it is her shame.
When I entered college, I began to see my male counterparts not only being open about their sexual history, but even going so far as to brag about and compare sex lives. I became fed up with feeling ashamed of something that seemed to me to be a completely normal part of life. I became more open about my sexual escapades, and I jumped head first into the Kenyon hookup culture. In doing so, I took a play from most of the males around me, and I chose to be more dominant. I took what I wanted, I made sure that I had a pleasurable experience, and I put my feelings aside. It was completely exhilarating and incredibly freeing.
In choosing to “take charge” of my own sex life, I found myself feeling bad about myself in an entirely new way. No matter how great a hookup was, in the end, I always felt like a total jerk. I continually find that after a night of flirty texts with boys, I wake up the next morning knowing that none of them are people that I would actually be interested in anything more than a hookup with. I’ve taken putting myself first to the extreme, and it has gotten to a point in which I look over the feelings of others in order to make myself happy, and that’s not okay. Instead of thinking about the feelings of the men that I have hooked up with, I choose to put my own first.
I’ve found that although it’s crucial to be vocal in a relationship and to make sure that everything is consensual, it doesn’t mean that you should use the other person. In attempting to overthrow the typical power dynamic that occurs within hookups, I found that not only was I being selfish, but I was also hurting people. By choosing to define myself through boys I sleep with, I am buying into a patriarchal ideology that is incredibly sexist. Flipping it doesn’t change the fact that there is an unfair power dynamic that exists. Instead of trying to take on the traditional “masculine” role, I should be working toward building healthier, more fulfilling sexual relationships. Hopefully, once I’ve given myself that time, I will be ready to enter into a healthy long-term relationship that makes me better instead of crazed hookups that bring me down.
I by no means want to tell you that I think that the hookup culture is wrong, or that it needs to stop. I think that there are many people who can partake in it in a healthy and fulfilling way, but in my own experience, I have found that it doesn’t work for me, and that’s okay. I’m going to find a way to express my sexuality in a way that makes me happy.