Although there’s still a general lack of discussion and common knowledge surrounding abusive relationships, people are at least starting to become aware of their existence outside the realm of dramatic television shows and romance novels. Nowadays, multiple high school health programs include sections on the telltale signs of relationship abuse. Similarly, the implementation of Title IX and the Violence Against Women Act has instigated more productive college discourse on how to spot and handle abuse on campuses.
One topic that often remains undiscussed, however, is how to help a friend who is in an abusive relationship. Although friends undoubtedly have the best intentions in mind when they attempt to help a companion experiencing abuse, I have too often witnessed their ill-advised efforts driving the survivor back into the perpetrator’s arms. While I don’t claim to be the ultimate source of knowledge on abusive relationships, I do have, from personal, research, and internship experiences, some general tips on how to be a good friend to someone stuck in this situation.
DO’S:
DO tell your friend that you have concerns about the way they are being treated WITHOUT insisting that they are in an abusive relationship. It can be daunting for someone to face the fact that the person they love is abusing them, and forcing them to confront that reality before they are ready may push them further into denial. One healthy way to check in might sound something like, “I’ve noticed that your partner actively limits the amount of time that you get to spend with your friends, and I’m concerned, because it seems to make you unhappy. Is there anything I can do to help?”
DO affirm that you believe your friend, unequivocally, if they approach you to inform you that they are in an abusive relationship.
DO, in the case that your friend tells you that they are in an abusive relationship, help them locate resources such as hotlines, therapists, and shelters. Many abuse perpetrators keep tabs on their victims’ technology usage, so it is much easier for you, as a caring friend, to search for this information.
DO reassure your friend that it is not their fault. One of the main tactics abusers use to keep their victims from leaving is to make them feel that they are deserving of this treatment, for reasons including but not limited to the victim’s mental state, personality flaws, and past relationship mistakes. It is easier for someone to leave an abusive situation once they come to realize that they are not at fault for the treatment they are receiving.
DO let your friend know that you are there to support them no matter what, and that you understand that it’s not as simple as just leaving the relationship. Validate any and all emotions they may have about the relationship, even these emotions don’t make sense to you.
DONT’S:
DON’T give your friend an ultimatum, such as threatening to end the friendship if they don’t leave their relationship. Tactics like these not only mirror the manipulation that your friend is already experiencing, but they also will leave your friend feeling as though they are unable to trust you. As a result, your friend may lie to you and tell you that they have broken it off when they actually haven’t. In this situation, your friend is still in danger and you don’t even know it because you’ve made yourself unavailable for emotional support. I can’t emphasize enough how harmful it is to dole out an ultimatum to somebody in this situation.
DON’T ask your friend why they stay with someone who treats them so horribly. This question is often alienating and offensive to survivors. Abusers have spent time perfecting their tactics, and they are sneaky because they don’t want to get caught. The abuse subtly eats away at their partner’s self worth, and often the receiver of the abuse doesn’t realize what has happened until their confidence has already been significantly diminished.
DON’T confront your friend’s abuser unless you have express permission AND extensive knowledge on the situation (and even then, proceed with caution.) Abusers get defensive when confronted, and they will likely take out their defensive anger on your friend later on. It may seem like a good idea to tell your friend’s abuser off, but it will likely end up hurting your friend more in the long run.
DON’T pretend to have an answer if you’re not sure what to do. It’s better to direct your friend to a more knowledgeable resource, such as a shelter, website, or hotline, than to pretend that you are the end-all-be-all on how to handle abusive relationships.
If you want to know more, the following resources contain helpful information about abusive relationships and how to help those experiencing them:
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness