There is a reason girls love romantic comedies so much. Whether it’s books or movies, the flirting and especially the banter draw us into something we don’t experience enough in our daily lives.
Female authors and directors know how to write a charming love interest, draw us into that reality, and leave us crushed when our real-life romantic prospects don’t end up the same way.
Instead of a grand confession of love in person, we get a “wyd” or “wyll” on Snapchat.
I think the idea of flirting has really gotten lost in translation. Not only do people not know how to flirt, but there’s this idea that flirting can only be done to reach the end goal of dating or hooking up.
A 2004 study found six main motivations for flirting: sex, exploring, relational, esteem, instrumental and fun. Flirting is a lot more complex than it seems, but it doesn’t always need to be that serious! This is why I believe we need to bring back flirting for fun.
Flirting 101
Flirting is defined as “behaving as though attracted to or trying to attract someone but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.”
It can take verbal and non-verbal forms, such as compliments, light teasing, eye contact and physical proximity.
According to Joyce Jillson in her book “The Fine Art of Flirting,” the most important thing to remember is The Golden Rule of Flirting: “Do unto potential flirting partners as you would have them do unto you.” Essentially, it is important to always engage in a kind, respectful way. Prioritize genuine interest, sincere compliments and lighthearted banter.
Flirty actions without sexual or relational intent can make interactions with others more personable and enjoyable overall.
There is a general lack of effort from younger generations, and both romantic interactions and flirting have taken a hit because of it. Day-to-day interactions are boring, and a majority of them don’t even happen in person. Most people have lost the charm, wit and confidence to be able to flirt in real life.
There is a limit and a required understanding of social cues to not cross boundaries or make anyone uncomfortable. The “best” way to flirt also depends on the other person, which is why it takes a certain amount of intelligence to flirt.
Flirting with intelligence
Being able to successfully flirt requires the ability to read other people and adapt your approach to match their energy. If someone is clearly uncomfortable with physicality, do not get near them or touch them, but maybe make eye contact or compliment them. And if someone is uncomfortable with a flirty demeanor in general, do not push any boundaries.
A big part of the intelligence aspect goes into banter. Going back and forth to keep a bit going shows that you are funny and you can get along with that person. Again, this is why it is so fun to read because good authors know how to write good banter, specifically Emily Henry.
Although physical aspects can be a big part of attraction, intelligence should not be underestimated. Contributing to a thoughtful discussion, asking engaging questions, or contemplating ideas can get the other person thinking not only about themselves but about you and your intellect.
There is something about intelligent banter that adds tension to an interaction. Knowing how to make someone laugh or slightly get under someone’s skin can make a person feel seen or special.
We need to get back to wanting to know people, and at the end of the day, that’s all flirting is. Showing interest, creating friendships and being charismatic.
I encourage you to flirt with someone today! The best way to get good at it is to practice flirting with your friends, your crush or even a stranger. A little playful flirting never hurts.