Earlier this year I was officially diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or O.C.D. I had already been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder for the past couple of years now, and I have been handling it pretty well if I do say so myself. I used to be pained with Panic Disorder also, which consisted of multiple panic attacks per week that would restrict me from doing pretty much anything fun. Luckily, the panic attacks stopped about two years ago! But once I started college a different demon infiltrated my mind. His name was O.C.D.
I was so excited and ready for college when it came. I couldn’t wait to start this new adventure. Little did I know there was O.C.D. lurking behind my back ready to pounce at any minute.
Everything seemed normal at first. Yeah, I liked to keep my space organized, but if you asked my mom she would say that I lived in a pigsty at home. As the months of the fall semester went on I started to notice that I was vacuuming the floor almost every other day. I couldn’t sit down and do homework if my side of the room was out of order. I had to clean first or else I couldn’t focus. Now you may be saying to yourself, “Oh, I do that. Do I have O.C.D.?” No, you don’t, there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep things tidy. My obsessions were taking over my everyday life.
It started out with cleaning but led to many more obsessions. I had given myself a set schedule to stick to during the week. Sounds normal, right? Well, not the way I did it. Even my bathroom breaks were scheduled. I went to the same dining hall every day, at the exact same time, and got the exact same thing every day…here’s the kicker…I got to the point that if I didn’t get my food, drink, straw and exactly four napkins my day would be ruined in my mind. If something in my schedule got mixed up, that day was completely worthless and I myself would be worthless for the rest of the day. I would be filled with my anxiety the rest…of…the…day.
Another one of my obsessions involved my bed. I didn’t like anyone sitting on my bed. I wouldn’t even allow myself to sit on my bed if I had been gone all day and smelled like outside or was sweaty. There was one particular time that my roommate and I had our best friends over and we were sitting on each other’s bed which was fine with me at the time but after the night was over and they went home even though it was past midnight on a school night I could NOT sleep without washing my sheets and blankets. I don’t even want to know how much I spent on laundry last year. It was at this point that I knew I had a problem.
I brought all this up to my therapist at my next appointment. That is when she diagnosed me. She told me this came about because it was my coping mechanism. I was in a new place away from home which meant my mind didn’t know how to deal with this new stress. My mind did the only thing it knew how to do which was clean and organize my life because that always gave me a little bit of relief before but we just took it to an extreme this time.
I am doing a lot better with it now. My therapist gave me alternatives to help reduce stress. Also simply being aware of my problems helped tremendously. I could stop myself before I got out of hand. Are there times that I go completely “neat freak” mode? Yes, but I am working on it. I will probably always have anxiety, but that doesn’t mean I am not stronger because of it.