Another new year, another “new me.” It’s time to act like I am going to live up to the unrealistic expectations for myself and become the picture-perfect college student that has it all together.
That was always the goal. I will complete a goal and constantly strive to get better until I can become uber-successful. It wasn’t until these past few months when I sat myself down, after breaking down time after time due to wearing myself out and burning out of my passion project of the week, that I truly asked myself what my definition of success is.
I was working myself so hard and so much to try to prove to someone, maybe myself, that I can do it all. I can be a fashion/theater student and maintain good grades, have two jobs, be involved in multiple school organizations, take care of my relationships and truly enjoy life. I would say there was a time in my life that I did enjoy that lifestyle.
Finally, I took a step back and saw that I was living to work, instead of working to live. I would never let myself celebrate a small accomplishment. I would stress myself out about obtaining or not obtaining “my goal.” I hate that word, “goals.” I am confident that I have ruined that word for myself.
I state my intentions and throw away my goals
As I previously stated, I hate the word “goals.” It’s like a daunting reminder that if something didn’t get done or if I didn’t meet my “goal,” I was a failure. No questions asked. I was a complete and utter failure. I can rewrite my goals list as much as I want and it never gets better.
For me, goals themselves do not take account of how life works. It doesn’t care if you had a hard day or if something came up. It’s either you did it or didn’t do it, which is true I guess, but I have trouble not being hard on myself. If I didn’t meet my goal, I would fixate on the fact that I didn’t do it so that means I am a failure, I am not good enough and I will never become good enough. Dramatic? Sure. But that feeling never went away (I will say I am one for extremes at times.)
I wanted to improve and grow as a person, but it was impossible when I was constantly beating myself down & allowing that damn word to control the way I viewed myself.
One day I just started writing down my thoughts, there were too many to not have been seen with pen and paper. I want to grow and improve in a healthy manner. I wanted to fail and not be embarrassed by it. I wanted to be productive on my day off with the understanding that if I wasn’t then my world wasn’t going to end.
When it came time to make a list for my tasks, I just wrote down “My Intentions Today.” I don’t know what it is but it just seems kinder, more generous. There is room for life to interrupt and it’s preventative for shame spiraling. And…it’s been working!
I love growth. I pride myself on being self-aware and acknowledging what works for me and what doesn’t. There are many things I want to do, become and try.
My intentions
Making Connections with Strangers
Over the past few months, I have been attending smaller venue events and frequently visiting my local coffee shop. There, I recognized how much I value random conversations with strangers. I feel like the idea of connecting with strangers has been forgotten.
Personally, I think some of us assume the worst of people just to stay or feel safe nowadays. However, I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had recently that have just made my day. Some of the people I have never seen again and probably never will. Although, I remember feeling content and complete after our conversation. There are some that the connection was so good, I just had to exchange socials or numbers and become friends.
Through these conversations, I begin to see the genuine kindness that people still have. I notice how people are more similar than we would like to believe.
Hell, even just a smile at someone or a compliment passing by can improve someone’s day, even your own.
For example, over the holiday break, I had the opportunity to stay at an Airbnb with some friends located in a small town in Vermont. On our way to a hike on New Year’s Eve, we stopped at this small place called The Sandwich Shoppe. This place was a narrow, little shop and was fairly busy with only a couple of tables to sit at. It is owned by an old couple and their children. They have been open for about 42 years and I completely understand why. Not only was it the best-grilled cheese I have ever tasted, but these people were the most spirited, kindhearted individuals I had the pleasure of meeting. They just were so passionate about their business, their family and their customers.
This year, I want to make a point to talk to more people, different kinds of people. Last year I discovered how much I value new connections and this year I intend to continue to make them.
Learn a Language
I have always wanted the ability to speak more than one language. I think it is respectful, resourceful and fun!
I took Spanish in high school and I wanted to retain the vocabulary, nouns, pronouns and pronunciations. Unfortunately, I had a hard time learning in the classroom setting and I did not get along with my teacher. I value the ability to speak another language, especially Spanish. My best friend and her family are fluent in Spanish and I want to be able to speak their first language in their home. However, I was always hesitant, out of fear, of not speaking the language correctly and coming off as disrespectful or dumb. Then I opened my eyes and realized that it is way more respectful to try and fail than it is to not try at all.
As stated earlier, I value communication with people, speaking multiple languages is entangled within that.
Currently, I am signed up and practicing French and Spanish on Duolingo! The lessons are interactive, easy to understand and enjoyable.
Stick to One Project
I have this sad habit of getting invested and passionate about something, committing to it and then not having time to dedicate to it. I am a person of many interests. I love indulging in creative activities, especially ones that I can see myself doing for a lifetime.
When I take on a new challenge or task, I think about if I have time to complete it. Keyword, complete. I don’t take into consideration the energy and drive it takes to not only do it but do it well and become good at it. Then, before I know it, I am stressed out, no longer enjoying it, do a half-assed job and become burnt out. That is no way to live. That is no way to be kind to me. That is no way to become good at something.
So, this year, I told myself to take the time for things to settle before I tack on a new project. I want to give my time and energy to one project or task at a time, so I can be able to see if I am good at it or if I enjoy it. If I don’t, that’s okay and it’s time to scrap it and try something else!
Taking Care of Myself
Overall, this year I want to take care of myself. I will strive to live a happier and healthier lifestyle. I need to. To me, taking care of myself isn’t just getting enough sleep and eating healthier (even though both are extremely necessary.) Honestly, I believe taking care of myself is treating myself. Whether that is taking extra time alone or buying myself a coffee when I am down.
What’s the point of living if you don’t do what you wanna do and don’t have what you want to have? That’s vague and varies from situation to situation, but you see my point. I will take care of myself by living for me and only me. It has taken me a long time to become content with making my own decisions to make only me happy and I am still a work in progress.
How Can You Do This?
Everyone’s journey to self-discovery and self-made happiness is different. I started by journaling. Classic pen to paper, no bullshit stickers that will distract me from writing how I feel. I wish I could bullet journal but it never works in my favor, that’s beside the point. When I would have a hard time figuring out my feelings, I would just let out every single thought go on the page. This may not be the case for everyone, but maybe give it a try? See where it takes you.
Let’s set the intention, together, to make 2022…well to say the least…good.