Author’s Note: WARNING
What I will be talking about is something that can be triggering to some. It involves depression, anxiety and the darkness that surrounds the idea of loneliness. I use specific description words that may create a sensation that some viewers can not handle. Viewer discretion is advised; however, I do hope you can take some of the information to heart and know that you are truly not alone. I hope you all can take my advice and apply it to your own lives. I want to help as much as I can, and remember that I am no expert. I am just a twenty-year-old sharing my experience with you, hoping it can give you some clarity in your own life. So ladies, let’s talk. (I am also aware my previous Ladies, Let’s Talk was labeled Ladies, We Need to Talk. I was very heated during my writing and NEEDED to talk about it!)
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
800-273-8255
Things Are Finally Looking Up, But…
As time goes on and you start to focus only on yourself, the little things start to be positive in your life. Whether you are now accepting your flaws, going to the gym, starting a new routine, only keeping your true friends close to you, or even school is starting to become something you enjoy, you feel like you are now getting somewhere in your life.
Although you feel like you are climbing the mountain with ease, you feel another sensation pulling you in the other direction. Something wells up inside of you that you don’t understand. An emptiness that seemingly grows bigger and bigger.
You want to reach out but you do not know who to hold on to. Everything seems to be in your head that only you feel like you only understand. Ladies, this is the feeling of loneliness.
But I Have People in my Life.
Unfortunately, you can still feel this feeling even when you have close friends and family members in your life. It’s not your fault! This happens. Once you start focusing on yourself, you may get stuck in there. Trapped in your own routine and cycling lonely thoughts in your head.
This can be a depressing feeling. Like I said before, you feel stuck. The emotions you feel are difficult to comprehend which causes you to feel numb. You can’t cry because the pressure of the weight is so intense that you cannot let your eyes well up with tears.
In my opinion, this is the hardest stage in the long road of finding yourself. Not only have I talked to multiple people who agree, but I do have my own experience in this.
My Personal Experience
- Phase 1
Fall semester 2020. I was a freshman in college who finally got through my first semester. I achieved a 3.8 GPA. I started working out and becoming the independent person I always dreamed of being.
I was very proud of these achievements. However, I soon felt this sinking feeling I could not shake. I felt as though these walls started to cave inwards to where I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t happy with myself. This is where it all began.
- Phase 2
During winter break, I could not stop crying. I would lie awake at night looking at my ceiling, thinking about all my insecurities and what could be wrong with me. I would even have moments where I could not even call my boyfriend about what was happening because I didn’t even know what was happening to me in the first place.
I would say out loud, “Why do I feel so alone? I have people around me who care about me. I shouldn’t feel this way. I can’t take this. It hurts.”
I could not handle all these new emotions I didn’t understand. All this pressure felt like it was clogging my throat. I couldn’t talk about it. I tried to distract myself by watching anime or reading. My body physically wouldn’t let me do those things. TikTok was the only option that distracted me from this sense of loneliness.
All of a sudden, a wave hit me. I finally began crying.
- Phase 3
I cried multiple times from my winter break to the end of my spring semester. Once I cried, I couldn’t stop. It was like a tsunami hit my eyes and would not stop.
Negative thoughts continued to cloud my mind. Even going through my spring semester, I felt this way, but it was more numbness than anything. It was a cycle of negativity and a dark cloud surrounding me. I did not feel like myself the slightest bit.
Soon though, I saw the light at the end of this horrible tunnel.
- Phase 4
I failed my first class ever. I felt so ashamed of myself. I could not believe it, but I did not care because I knew my mindset was not the best it could be. I knew that I did try my best to get through the semester with no motivation.
Summer was soon approaching. That was my light. I could feel myself feeling lighter. Summer meant I could start over in a new semester. I could focus on the little things that would make me better all around.
Honestly, I could not tell you why this was my light switch. Maybe it was the idea of not being in school any more that helped me, or just knowing I would be in the sun and smelling the fresh air. Either way, I knew I would be alright.
Coping: It Takes Time
I know that not all of you will have a similar experience. Everyone has their own rocky road and how they deal with it. This leads me to the biggest thing: coping.
Coping with this stage in life is not even close to being easy. There is no right way of coping with this. I still don’t understand how I dealt with these emotions on my own, but one thing is for sure, it takes time. A LOT of time.
Some people may take longer than others to get through this stage, but just know that it doesn’t mean you are weak because you are taking longer. It is a process for everyone.
One thing that I believed helped me through this time was just being aware that I don’t understand these feelings and that is okay. It is okay to not understand yourself and your feelings in that situation. That is all part of life.
Another thing is do not be too hard on yourself. You are doing as much as you can to get better and be better. That is all that matters.
My Promise to You
One of the reasons why I wanted to write about this topic is because I have a few friends who are going through this exact same thing. To you all, I understand. I will never understand exactly what each of you is experiencing but know that I know the feeling of being alone in a crowded room.
My promise to each of you is that you are not alone. Whenever you need to just let your thoughts and feelings out, think of the people who care about you. If you feel as though you have no one, please be open to therapy. Letting your guard down with someone who is meant to be there to listen will help tremendously. (We will discuss the topic of therapy in a future Ladies, Let’s Talk).
I promise things will be okay. No matter what. You are trying your best, and that is the only thing that matters.