Ever since I was younger my weight was always something I massively struggled with. Not being able to fit into the XS Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch clothes and blending in with all the skinny girls you saw walking down the hallway was things I struggled with daily. Always wanting the crowd to swallow you so you didn’t have to be seen. These are the things you struggle with and feel when you battle with your weight and being ‘bigger’ from a young age.
This carried on into my late years of life when I got to high school and hated how I looked. I hated the fact that I always had to shop in the double digits for jeans and homecoming dresses. I never wanted to befriend any of the skinny girls for the fear of going shopping and having to pick out large clothing while they all grabbed their size 2 jeans. That bolt of anxiety when you get invited to a pool party and you immediately assume everyone is looking at you and the way you look.
You’d think with the name like “muffin top” it would be a good thing! Nothing negative should be equated to muffins but oh boy are we wrong. I can’t even state what part of my body I hated the most, because I hated it all. I would stand in front of my mirror and grab the fat on my thighs and grab the fat on my arms and wish I could look like the Victoria Secret models you see on Instagram.
Growing up I was always told by my family that I was beautiful but it’s so hard to believe when you see yourself as anything but. Loving myself was never something that came naturally to me. I don’t think it does for anyone really, but it seemed for me it was a 24/7, 365-day struggle. I hated looking in the mirror and seeing what I allowed myself to look like. Although I’ve come to terms with myself and slowly learning to love myself it’s not something I feel 100% in.
Coming to college all you hear about is the dreaded “Freshmen 15.” That’s all you read when you read those articles all about freshmen year of college. But I lost most of my appetite once I moved into my dorm. I ate a meal a day and walked all over campus to get into my classes, so obviously I wasn’t going to gain 15 pounds! Right? Wrong. I was soon introduced to Rosie’s chicken fingers and fries and next thing I know I’m getting an annual check-up at the doctors and I’m at my heaviest weight ever and I’m on the boarder of 200 pounds.
The minute the doctor said my weight out loud all I wanted to do was dig a hole and bury myself in it. But I knew I couldn’t do that and needed to make some big changes in my life. The minute I got on campus I took the stairs up 7 flights, directly avoiding the elevator and started in the direction to change my life for the better.
It was a slow process, I mean I had to evaluate my life and the decisions in it. What really kicked things into gear was when I was hanging out with a guy and he told me skinny girls weren’t his time. He followed this up with tapping my stomach and saying “clearly.” Uh, excuse me? I was heartbroken and devastated. You never want a guy, or anyone in general to indirectly call you fat. So the next day I started my new workout routine. 3 times a week I was in the gym running away all the negative thoughts. Also can we talk about the person who thought it was a good idea to put huge mirrors in every and all gyms? I’d like to have a word with that person.
It was in July I decided to become vegetarian. It was mainly for health reasons, my dad’s a diabetic and I didn’t want that to be me. As well as reading that you lose weight from not eating meat and I was desperate. I haven’t eaten meat since July 1st and it’s been one of my best decisions in a while! I feel so much better about myself and the things I put into my body. I’m not saying I don’t crave chicken wings and steak but the feeling of knowing what’s all in your food is better than whatever is inside a McDonalds chicken nugget.
Since starting my weight loss journey in June I’ve lost around 30 pounds. I never wanted to equate my weight loss to clothing sizes. I wanted to measure it by how I feel mentally about myself. Learning to love yourself, I’d say is probably one of the hardest things you’ll do but it’s so worth it in the end.
Now when I look in the mirror I see a strong women staring back at me. Someone who has worked hard for what they look like. I no longer see the stretch marks on my body as a negative. I no longer see my muffin top and immediately want to cry. I see someone who is doing amazing things. I no longer view myself and base myself worth solely on my body and the way I look but rather on the things I’ve done in my life and the people who love me. That’s the most beautiful part about me.