As human beings we instinctively hold the people closest to us at a high value. Despite this, we also have the ability to feel fulfilled and opposingly disappointed. We naturally have expectations that we hope are at least met and at most exceeded – or we can feel disheartened at the lack of care from our relationship partner. Quality time, gift-giving and emotional support can have different effects on different people. These acts can be unquestionable for some, yet a burden for others. Why does this disconnect exist? Why can some acts be seen as thoughtful, thoughtless, or simply ‘the bare minimum’?
Surely, we would all have similar definitions of ‘the bare minimum’, yet, our examples of it may differ. For example, communication, responsiveness, respect, and selflessness are traits I would consider as being ‘the bare minimum.’ Despite this, they are rarely found in people as naturally occurring traits, but instead as actions that deserve to be commended.
When I look back at myself in my first year of university, I feel rather ashamed. I wasn’t an immoral person by any means – I simply lacked any sense of moral worth. I prided myself on my values, but I did not always expect them of other people. I was used to feeling let down, an afterthought, an inconvenience – until I realised my idea of doing ‘the bare minimum’ was for someone else their idea of going above and beyond. What I viewed as traits that are second in nature were to them traits that required a conscious effort, rendering their acts rooted in superficiality. It’s not as if I had extremely unattainable and unrealistic expectations (I wasn’t asking them to steal the moon or fly me to New York!), but rather to listen to me without interrupting, to not patronise me, to not make me feel less than.
My expectations were to me ‘the bare minimum’, yet I now realise they are to others the optimum. It wasn’t until I met certain people who share my values and morals that I realised I wasn’t expecting too much of people. I was wasting my time on people who were incapable of thinking of anyone or anything other than themselves.
I wanted to feel supported. I wanted my friends to want to spend time with me, not out of necessity or because there was no other option. I wanted my partner to want to grow with me, not mold me into an artificial person they want me to be. I wanted the people around me to not treat me as inferior to them just to make themselves feel better. I wanted to be able to address a problem, and feel assured that they will take on board what I’ve said and not make me feel guilty or irrational for feeling hurt by their careless behaviour.
I thought that these expectations were natural, assumed – ‘the bare minimum.’ When I realised they were not, I decided it was necessary for me to re-evaluate the presence of certain people in my life, people whose morals did not correspond to mine, and consequently people who made me feel dispirited.
It’s reasonable at this period of our lives – at university, in a busy city with endless opportunities and a multitude of people – that we will reach a point where we drift away from people and into others that better align with the people we have become ourselves.
It is important to understand that differing expectations are okay – but it is necessary to ensure reciprocity, implement boundaries, and remove yourself from a situation where what comes naturally to you doesn’t for someone else. Having different expectations is okay – it does not make you a demanding person – but being communicative and responsive is key. Not feeling gratified and respected in any type of relationship is not because you’re asking or doing ‘too much’, but because they are doing ‘the bare minimum’ – acts that do not coincide with your fundamental expectations and morals. Even if your values do not match those of another person’s, it is not your responsibility to attempt to change or tolerate it.
At the same time, I believe many are lacking in a nuanced approach to what ‘the bare minimum’ means. Enjoying the little things in life, what others may refer to as ‘the bare minimum’, does not mean you lack self-worth, but rather that you have the ability to see the meaning and appreciate the beauty in the little gestures. Nevertheless, putting someone on a pedestal for doing ‘the bare minimum’ can be harmful in enabling behaviour that does not coincide with how you want to be treated.
We should not accept the type of treatment we think is warranted. We should accept the treatment we want and deserve – treatment that lives up to our morals and expectations. We should give ourselves the time and grace to reflect and evaluate on what it is we truly want for ourselves and how we want our relationships with the most intimate people in our lives to be. Some people’s morals can be fundamentally misaligned with others. Some people can have higher expectations than others. Yet, this does not mean that either party is wrong, irrational or flawed. Although our morals and expectations may differ from person to person, we are still able to appreciate the little things whilst simultaneously expecting the most and best from those closest to us.
‘The bare minimum’ should not be strived for, yet also not ignored. Two things can co-exist at once – appreciating the minute yet meaningful acts, and wanting your larger values and expectations to be met and fulfilled.