In late October, Chanté Joseph launched a discussion which has been brimming under the surface for years: Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? Her article was conceived after reading comments under a post about relationships, such as, “having a boyfriend typically takes hits on a woman’s aura”. From this, she delved into the strange dichotomy of women wanting the social benefits of having a boyfriend without having to deal with the ‘embarassing’ aspect of it. I found myself debating whether the shift was away from relationships or boyfriends specifically. Can we attribute these attitudes to a general lack of commitment from Gen-Z or is it also related to the ‘value’ of men changing in mainstream female culture?
In the past 5 years, the term ‘situationship’ has made its way into the mainstream. With a dictionary definition of an ‘undefined and noncommittal’ relationship, at times it feels as if it is replacing the concept of ‘dating’. A fear of labels and long-term commitment, to me, seems to be one of the defining traits of Gen Z culture, but what caused this? Our shift from adolescence to adulthood has been painted with the colours of climate change, cost of living crises and unimaginably fast developments of AI. I remember the ‘Fridays For Future’ movement gaining traction in schools and rejuvenating young people’s discourse around global warming. In particular, I remember the feeling of panic when learning that we had 11 years before the effects of climate change would become irreversible. Yet now, with only 4 years to go, instead of people doing more than ever to slow this down, rising temperatures have become something of an afterthought. Every once in a while, there are short discussions about it on social media (see Taylor-Swift-private-jet-gate), but the general attention has shifted onto a plethora of equally catastrophic issues that the world has to offer. As climate change has seemingly become a near-nihilistic inevitability in the general public’s consciousness, the immediate focus has shifted to more ‘present’ issues, like famines, genocides and cost of living crises. Coupled with the recent explosion of AI – which ironically has also had devastating ecological impacts – the ‘futures’ that we went on strike for are becoming more and more uncertain. It is getting more difficult by the day to picture where we will be in the next 5-10 years as a generation, and so it makes perfect sense that relationships are viewed more as an added layer of uncertainty as opposed to a benefit. When finding a stable career that will still exist in the long run is harder than ever, relationships can act more like a burden. So, the ‘situationship’ being ‘in the moment’ rather than planning for the future seems like the perfect fix, albeit a temporary one.
Now for the boyfriend. Alongside this shift from relationships, pop culture has recently experienced a change in how women view men. Tiktok is the hub of micro-trends in terms of fashion, celebrities and most relevantly, language. New phrases and references are churned out every week, and only a few stand the test of time; ‘girlhood’ and being a ‘girl’s girl’ both come into this category (as well as, ‘slay’, unfortunately). The first term has been around a lot longer, but only recently did this idea become a fixation for women. Experiences that used to be hidden or looked down on because of internalised misogyny have now been embraced under the idea of a universal ‘female experience’. These range from growing up with the barbie movies – and trying not to cry in the ‘Barbie’ movie – to reenacting stories in debriefs. Similarly, a ‘girl’s girl’ has become a point of pride in women, directly replacing being ‘one of the guys’. We grew up with the portrayal of ‘cool girls’ being heralded by men, and made it an aspiration. But, like a mini-online wave of feminism, many women realised how flawed this system was and instead gave importance to putting girls first. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the internet has now changed who the ‘beholder’ is: women. And we can see this happening in other industries like music, too. Chanté Joseph mentioned a ‘crisis of heteronormativity’, which I completely agree with. Artists like Chappell Roan who would have remained in queer spaces have, in the last few years, torn into the mainstream; straight girls are now screaming lyrics about lesbianism in nightclubs. All of this to say, this online shift has driven many women towards a single, ‘for the girls’ lifestyle, leaving male validation far behind in the rear-view.
Whether it is because of the reluctance to commit to relationships, or ‘man-hating’ transforming into a new online wave of feminism, this idea of ‘anti-boyfriendism’ has made ripples across the female community. The question is, is this a new way of living out our 20s or just another trend that won’t make it out of 2025? After all, objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.