It’s taken almost six weeks, but it’s finally here. The novelty of the ‘big smoke’ has worn off and the homesickness has set in. As someone who hasn’t spoken Welsh fluently since my nursery days, my brain has been kicked into thinking and speaking in Welsh ever since I moved to London – nightmare for my friends who can’t understand a word I’m saying. I think I’ve finally come to realise that regardless of how much Welsh Independence propaganda I display on my walls, it won’t make up for the fact that I can’t seem to source Welsh cakes here (but seriously, why does no one in this city sell Welsh cakes?)
In Wales, we call this ‘hiraeth.’ It’s an idiom but is often translated to something along the following lines- a yearning or homesickness for a place you can’t return to. With the current ‘fire breaker’ lockdown in Wales at the moment, nothing rings quite as true. This is the longest I’ve been away from my home- or ‘cartref’ in Welsh- and not just the physical building but the country itself. I think, especially in the Welsh sense of ‘cartref’, ‘home’ is more than a building, it’s a feeling. For me, it’s knowing I can say random words in Welsh when my brain refuses to think in English without having to attempt to switch back and translate. Knowing that I can say ‘diolch’, instead of thank you, as I leave a shop and won’t be looked at like I’m hexing the shop assistant. It’s the sense of community in Wales that’s missing from London. Not to say that London is without community, but it’s not the kind that’s filling the gaping hole in my heart. Also, I’m seriously desperate for a Welsh cake, please let me know if you find somewhere that sells them.
London has a thriving Welsh community- I just can’t seem to find it. When the agricultural work dried up in the valleys and rural areas in Wales, a lot of people migrated to find opportunities in London. Almost everyone seems to have a Welsh granny or great aunt but you can’t seem to find someone who would describe themselves as Welsh without actively searching. Thankfully, I have a close friend who’s from a town just down the road from mine back home. She’s been a bit of a life jacket in this whole situation; responding and understanding my Welsh when I just can’t seem to find the words in English- concerning for someone whose degree is in English Literature. When I talk about life at home, the culture and all the strange mannerisms and phrases I never understood to be specific to Wales, there’s someone who understands what on earth I’m saying.
These emotions are strange for me, someone who spent years almost rejecting my Welsh identity and wishing I’d been born elsewhere. I definitely found that as the prospect of moving away loomed with university applications two years ago, I felt more inclined to stay close to home. This was, however, impossible to marry with my desire to see something new. As much as my heart was telling me to stay in Cardiff, my head knew I’d be desperately bored with the only city I’d truly known for 18 years. Now, I’d give anything to visit for the day. There are certain opportunities that university in London affords, things I couldn’t find elsewhere that I’d be silly to pass up. But a part of me will never feel the way I do when I’m home.
I love it here, I really do. As much as I whinge, I wouldn’t truly have chosen to study anywhere else. I adore London, all of the chaos it provides. I love being at the centre. It’s hectic hustle and bustle, knowing that a 20 minute bus journey in any direction will find new and exciting places I would never find elsewhere. I would say that I feel ‘at home’ here- and I’m finally getting used to the constant sirens and the perpetual daylight (everyone say ‘thank you, light pollution!’)
There’s just a part of me that still feels that ‘hiraeth’ that I don’t think will ever go away. I’ve booked tickets to watch the Wales versus Ireland rugby match at a Welsh pub as I type so hopefully screaming that ‘Gwlad! Gwlad!’ in a room of other Welsh people will give me the sense of ‘cartref’ I’ve been searching for. Maybe I just need to find some Welsh cakes!
(Written 26 October 2020)