“It Ends With Us” and its author, Colleen Hoover, have had a chokehold on BookTok over the past couple of years. The book gained mass popularity; everyone and their grandmother (and Kylie Jenner) were reading “It Ends With Us” – the story of a young woman, Lily, navigating her way through an abusive relationship. The social media discourse that ran off this was … interesting. Soon, the question began to arise, does one of the most popular and influential books on TikTok, with a readership of primarily young women, romanticise toxic and abusive relationships?
Perhaps the real question is, did Colleen Hoover romanticise Ryle’s and Lily’s relationship or did her readers?
Everyone reads and responds to a book differently. Personally, when reading It Ends With Us I did not find the relationship to be glorified or romanticised in the slightest. Yes, Ryle’s character was incredibly charming, and yes Lily was madly in love with him and forgave him multiple times, remaining in the relationship for the majority of the book. Hoover’s writing had me almost screaming at the pages, begging Lily to leave Ryle. It was heartbreaking and frustrating to read. But that is the point.
The fact Hoover had Lily remain in the relationship beyond Ryle’s first sign of anger/violence, mirrors the awful, nuanced reality of many abusive relationships. It is never so simple as “she should just leave”. As for the claim that Ryle was too charming a character, that is also I believe Hoover’s intention. We are meant to love and root for Ryle at the beginning. We are supposed to be conflicted in our feelings towards him, because that highlights the internal struggles of Lily’s character … of the inner turmoil of many victims of domestic abuse. All of this is constructed through Ryle and Lily’s characterisations and storyline to evoke such a passionate response from readers and highlight why it is far more complicated than “well she should have just left”.
We love Lily. We root for Lily. We do not blame her character for Ryle’s actions, even if whilst reading we wish she left him earlier. As Lily falls in love with Ryle in the beginning, so do we. We as onlookers are given this rare insight into the entirety of their relationship, and the unravelling of the romantic love story as it was first presented to us. Through this, Hoover in fact helps steer the narrative away from victim blaming and shaming. She helps outsiders and onlookers of domestic abuse empathise with a character experiencing it, and, as we feel conflicted between the first portrayals of Ryle and the violence he is revealed to be capable of, we can better understand the inner turmoil of Lily’s character and of someone in her position.
So where does this notion of romanticising abuse come from? I have a very quick answer for you: social media discourse. We see the glorification of many things on social media, especially TikTok. Edits of “morally grey” fictional characters that we *hate to love* have seemingly snowballed into certain influencers romanticising straight-up abusers – the genre “Dark Romance” has risen in popularity, where violence against women is actually romanticised and praised, even lusted after. Now, there will certainly be some audiences who romanticise Ryle and Lily’s fictional relationship – and authors do indeed have a responsibility to uphold when writing certain stories and portraying specific characters that follow traumatic themes – however, all books and characters will be received and interpreted differently by different audiences and readers. It is not the responsibility of the author to control how all readers react and interpret. Any reader who does lust after Ryle and is a “Ryle apologist”, well, that is on them. I do beg some people to use critical thinking sometimes, to understand that some characters are meant to be complex and intentionally conflict the reader, whilst also not being intended to be admired for their abuse and violence.
Now, I would like to add a quick disclaimer here. Colleen Hoover did market a colouring book for ‘It Ends With Us’, and then deleted her post and the idea was cut. That, I believe, was indeed in very bad taste. It was tone-deaf and a thoughtless idea to generate greater profit, off a book that explores very sensitive issues. I’m glad it was cancelled, and Hoover admitted she made a mistake.
The title “It Ends With Us” is very important to how we interpret the intentions of Hoover’s main character Lily, and what message we can take away from her story. The cycle of abuse perpetuated by Lily’s father, that her mother endures and that continues into Lily’s adult relationship, is finally put to an end by Lily. After giving birth to her child that she conceived with Ryle, she finally makes the decision to leave Ryle permanently. This decision means much more than just Lily breaking up with the man who hurt her. It means that the cycle of violence, abuse, and shame that has been so present throughout Lily’s entire life finally ends with her and Ryle. She will not allow it to continue on into her daughter’s life.
The afterword of Hoover’s book is also very important. Colleen discloses in her afterword that she herself is a child of an abusive relationship. The author’s own personal story adds an extra layer and personal struggle to Ryle and Lily’s story. Hoover thanks and applauds her mum for leaving her dad to ensure she could grow up in a healthy, safe, non-abusive household. Hoover’s mum ended her cycle of abuse to ensure it didn’t carry through into her daughters life. This is mirrored in Lily’s story. And Colleen reminds us once again of the complexities of domestic abuse. While Colleen Hoover’s own mother and her character Lily eventually do leave their abusers, a lot of women do not. Many women remain with their abusers because they are not just ‘abusers’, they are their husbands, boyfriends, fathers. They are someone they loved and who they believe loves them. It is far more complicated than just leaving. And to pretend otherwise is disingenuous.
Some readers complained that they were made (by Hoover) to like Ryle, to even make excuses for him. Isn’t that the entire point? A lot of abusive men are extremely charming. Lily does love him, and the reader is meant to love him too … in the beginning. We are meant to love the “good” parts of their relationship and be heartbroken and confused when Ryle first hurts Lily, because that’s how Lily’s character – how a lot of women in her position – would be feeling. Most abusers are charming. People outside the relationship cannot see it. That is what makes being a victim of domestic abuse so isolating. Hoover’s portrayal of Ryle, I believe, helps people understand why victims do stay, and why they still love a person who can also hurt them. If people can understand more of the complexities of domestic abuse, then victim blaming can be prevented.
The definition of romanticising is to make something “seem better or more appealing than it really is.” If Hoover were romanticising Ryle’s and Lily’s relationship she would be manipulating her readers to want that relationship. She would have a “redemption arc” for Ryle, where Lily forgives him and returns to him. But Hoover ensures she instead gives us a definitive breaking of a cycle of abuse and violence.
Ultimately, I firmly believe Hoover does not romanticise domestic abuse in her book. I most definitely did not see Ryle’s and Lily’s relationship as “appealing”. The jealousy, the rage behind closed doors, the walking on eggshells, the physical abuse, all made my stomach curl. I felt unbelievably awful reading any of those passages, as intended. There is nothing appealing or romantic about domestic abuse and I firmly state that Colleen Hoover, a child of abuse herself, makes no attempt to pretend that there is.