Earlier I was at my friend’s house, and as I was putting on my jacket to leave, her housemate complimented it. I started the usual routine of, “oh I got it the other day from…”, before I stopped and instead asked myself why I always feel the need to give people a backstory after they compliment my outfit. To which my friend (who studies sociology) said, that women often feel uncomfortable taking compliments, so use background stories and dismissals to escape them.
So, now I’m sat here on the northern line in my amazing, gorgeous coat (which I’m sure everyone is looking at) and wondering: why can’t I take a f*cking compliment?
I am a confident girl, but at times receiving compliments can make me feel awkward. Perhaps, because simply saying “thanks” can stunt the conversation. What next? Pressure to compliment them back, spitting out last minute “I like your gloves.” A forced compliment in return somehow feels less uncomfortable than leaving the “thanks” to linger.
Anyway, I am proud of the backstory of my clothes. Can you believe that I got a light pink, long afghan coat which Phoebe Buffay would have died for in a charity shop for only £12?! No, no, you can’t. I said thank you to the cashier three times.
I love explaining the history of my clothing. I love it when someone compliments my top and I get to cheerfully announce, “Thanks! I found it on the street!” and watch their face change, with a mixture of confusion and slight disgust. But, this makes me now wonder why this feels more comfortable than simply saying “thanks.” Would I rather knowingly get a negative reaction than just take a f*cking compliment?
I like to feel seen. I like to be flattered, so why is it that I still struggle to truly accept compliments?
During the early stages of relationships or when casually dating, compliments can annoy me. They piss me off. When men compliment me, I don’t dismiss or tell them a story I simply say “Yes, I know”, or “Thank you.” I’ve seen this bother certain men and they say “But I actually really mean it”, “I’m not just saying it”, “You do know how [insert compliment] you are.” I hate it. I say “Yes, I do know” again. It is enraging. Do they assume I am insecure, and if so, why? Or, are their compliments disingenuous and they are being so insistent because they want to come across as genuine? Maybe I am paranoid, or maybe I simply feel that men like to capitalise on women’s insecurities. Sometimes I’m even offended, because insisting that they “really mean it” when I have already taken the compliment, creates internal doubt in me. Sometimes they follow on with, “Wow, you must be confident then.” How would they act if they viewed me as insecure? And why are they shocked that I am not?
Generally, I love compliments. I love giving compliments. I love telling my stories. I love expressing gratitude. Maybe I’m more likely to avoid taking compliments from women because perceived insecurities have fewer implications. Perceived vulnerability is less harmful.