Unless you’ve been living under a rock, it’s highly likely you’re either on LinkedIn yourself or have been subjected to the relentless bombardment of LinkedIn-related discourse. Between the race to the most connections, and “humbled to announce” posts making their way across your feed- it’s unavoidable.
And whilst most of us spent our teenage school years figuring out GCSE Chemistry and avoiding our phones getting confiscated, today’s Year 11s, terrified they’ll fall off a career ladder they haven’t even stepped onto yet, are perfecting their entrances into the corporate world. Posing in front of JP Morgan in Canary Wharf and drafting “thrilled to share my experience at my uncle’s accounting firm” posts — they’ve been persuaded that LinkedIn is the golden ticket to professional glory. Is LinkedIn, then, truly the doorway to entrepreneurial success and opportunity? Or is it just a virtual circus full of individuals that, in a few years, you’ll unsurprisingly witness embarrassing themselves on either The Apprentice or Love Island?
(disclaimer: I am a self-proclaimed hypocrite. A LinkedIn user myself, I used up my max monthly limit of connections in the first month of making my account.)
Nonetheless, let’s review the circus recruits that you will definitely come across when using LinkedIn.
- The Chronic Oversharer
LinkedIn will find out about the birth of their first child before their families do. These users post their EVERY move. New internship? Post. Quit their job? Post. Had an original thought on a train journey? Post. Saw a pretty sunset and reflected on life? Pretentious paragraph about new beginnings and (ir)relevant photos attached. They will find a way to turn everything into a noteworthy lesson about the ethics of life, discipline and determination to be shared with us all. If they didn’t post it on LinkedIn, did it really happen at all?
- Spring Week Final Boss Finance Bros
Because have you really made it in this life without an Insight day at Goldman Sachs? A majority of this life form is unfortunately concentrated within the lovely landscape of the LSE Economics department. Their only expression of friendship towards you is mentioning you in a post as a fellow colleague, or how they loved meeting you during work experience. Bound to be burnt out by age 25 as investment bankers, at least their fall off will be cushioned by all that money.
- The Wannabe Philosopher
Our very own modern-day Socrates! These are thought-daughters released into the wild. Every post deserves its own literary analysis of transforming meaningless sentiments into explorations of their #GrowthMindset. The self-appointed, relentless critical thinkers of our generation; they are the cogs of creativity that keep the corporate world turning. Of course, the morning when the barista puts the wrong milk in your coffee captures the poetics of adaptability, overcoming obstacles, and realising who you truly can be. Enjoy your oat milk, buddy. We can’t wait to hear about it.
- The Silent Stalker
Never posts. Never comments. Will view your profile, analyse your entire bloodline, collect your deepest lore and still won’t drop a single like. Whenever you post, they will be the first ones there. When you want to know where your year 12 situationship goes to uni, they’re the ones to ask. The lurkers of LinkedIn – busy keeping our city safe.
- The Networking Ninja
They will connect with your mother. They’ll have half of their city added by the time they are done with their first year of university. Most commonly detected in comment sections of people they have never and will never meet, they offer their heartfelt “Congratulations! This sounds like a very inspiring experience!” A perfectly assorted combination of emojis is never far behind. They have 500+ connections by the time Freshers’ week is over. Their future managing directors are already added up; can we really critique them?