I just came back from having lunch with my girlfriends, and it’s no surprise that we spent most of our time discussing our love lives. It’s always fun to debrief and air out our grievances, have our friends gasp, laugh, and agree with everything you’ve said. One of them was telling us about this date she went on and how great it was, so of course, she said she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. I tried to get her to adopt a more optimistic outlook when another friend said, “Where’s the fun in that?”. We laughed it off, but that moment stuck with me because she was right. Despite our complaining about our dating life, something is thrilling about the drama that comes with it.
The same can be applied to the media we consume. There’s a higher interest in watching a toxic or slow-burning relationship unfold in a film or TV series, rather than a healthy one. It’s more entertaining. How many times have you felt the buildup between two characters to be way more satisfying than the actual relationship? And how many of us were heavily invested in toxic relationships like Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl or Rory and Jess from Gilmore Girls. It’s fascinating to notice how much we’ve become conditioned to not only expect heartache but almost to welcome it.
Happiness should feel stable and peaceful, so why does it make most of us feel restless? I think it’s because it feels safer to be cynical. A false sense of security that keeps you from getting your hopes up, only to end up disappointed. It’s not scary to let ourselves be happy. The other shoe isn’t going to drop, but it isn’t easy to believe that when you’ve always thought otherwise. It’s like learning to write with your left hand when you’re right-handed. It’s difficult because it’s new, not because it’s impossible.
We claim to want a healthy relationship, yet we expect the worst. We indulge in media that prove why “love doesn’t exist” and listen to sad songs because they just “hit harder”. I feel this on a personal level since, as a writer myself, I struggle to flesh out and document the happiest moments of my life. I’ve always been a prolific writer, and yet I find that anything I write about my positive experiences and feelings falls short in comparison to my sadder songs. I view my songs about heartbreak to be “deeper” and more interesting than a song about being happy and in love. This made me wonder how much we perceive ourselves as more interesting when we feel miserable, and how much we let our adversaries become the most fascinating thing about us. That shouldn’t be the case. The most interesting thing about you is what you decide to showcase. It’s not the setbacks or the boy problems or the hardships you’ve faced; it’s the lessons they taught you. How you grew from those experiences is what defines your character.
Being pessimistic and cynical can sometimes feel like having more depth and insight than most because we get to indulge ourselves in its philosophy. We read thought provoking essays and books that perpetuate this ideology of expecting the worst. We read poetry and listen to songs that resonate with our low emotions, instead of trying to change our state. It’s normal to be cynical, and by contrast, being optimistic feels naive or shallow in comparison. Our perception heavily relies on our thoughts, and our thoughts are influenced by what we consume and indulge in daily. The kind of conversations you have with your friends, the music you listen to, and social media are all within your control. It’s our choice to redirect our attention and actively work towards a different outcome.
Looking back on my own experience, I definitely noticed a difference in my state of mind when I started redirecting my attention when I’m feeling down, rather than indulging in it. I even started incorporating that in my writing by disciplining myself to write a happier piece after writing something more depressing. I would use the songs or poems as little time capsules to capture what I was feeling in this exact moment, then move on. This definitely reframed how I view my writing. The sadder pieces felt more complex and interesting to me because I didn’t have enough practice with writing about being happy or in love.
I think that’s what it all comes down to: practice. We don’t have to stay in this perpetuated cycle of misery like an on-again, off-again, toxic relationship. We can choose better for ourselves by doing little things that break the system.