The feeling of uncertainty when it comes to someone you like is an odd in-between: one day, it seems like they’re into you, and the next, they pull away. They say the right things but don’t follow through. And throughout it all, everyone is in your ear, feeding your delusions: “They like you, they’re just nervous.” “Give it time.”
It’s this unfair push-and-pull that starts to eat you alive. You start replaying every word, every interaction, and even every non-interaction, searching for answers that never seem to come. You analyze text tones, timing, the way they looked at you when they saw you in public, or anything that might give you the slightest clue.
Their confusion doesn’t mean you’re not enough; it just means they aren’t ready. But that doesn’t mean you should wait around. In fact, I am strictly advising against it.
I’m saying this because I’ve been the one waiting all too many times. Every time I genuinely like someone and start to get attention from them, I take every interaction to heart. I internalize every little word and add them all up so that they mean something in my mind. But behind it all, I always know the truth.
Having a crush can be one of the most debilitating things on the planet, especially if you’re prone to being super emotional like me. It’s this combination of hope and anxiety that makes you feel like you’re constantly teetering between excitement and embarrassment. And I’ve found myself so many times taking their uncertainty personally; assuming it must be something I said wrong, something I did, or something I wasn’t doing.
The craving for closure and understanding is one of the most human traits. When someone seems even a little bit interested, we cling to it, filling in the blanks, making up stories in our heads, confusing inconsistency for potential. Hope can quickly turn into a dangerous place where we convince ourselves that “almost” is better than “nothing.”
If you’ve connected with what I’ve said so far about mixed signals, just know you are 100% not alone. Nobody talks enough about how paralyzing mixed signals can be. From the outside, it’s easy to tell someone “stop overthinking” or “move on,” but when you’re the one in it, it can overtake you while you keep trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense, and probably never will.
If you’re ever unsure about someone’s hot-and-cold behavior, remember this: mixed signals are always a reflection of them, not you. And this could be for several reasons, unfortunately. Sometimes people don’t know what they want. Sometimes they enjoy the attention but don’t have the capacity for commitment. And sometimes, they’re just careless with your emotions. It’s harsh, but a lot of the time, they’re simply not considering you. That’s why you have to start considering yourself.
The best thing I’ve done for myself after stepping back from inconsistency is redirecting all the energy I put into one person back into myself. This looks like focusing on what makes you happy: your hobbies, time with friends, and your goals. It’s too easy to lose yourself in someone else’s attention. Stop trying to prove to someone else that you’re enough, and start proving it to you.
When you’re dealing with someone inconsistent, the most beneficial thing you can do is reclaim your power. Decide that you won’t chase clarity from someone who keeps you guessing. Because inconsistency means no, and mixed signals are still a signal; they’re just telling you it’s time to go. Someone who truly cared about you wouldn’t leave you feeling uncertain, so give that certainty to yourself.
Eventually, after focusing on yourself, you will find love that you won’t have to chase down and tackle. I’ve watched close friends go through the worst dating history and come out on top, in the happiest relationships ever. When all you’ve known is inconsistency, it’s easy to think love won’t find you. And as Taylor Swift sang in her new song “Opalite”, “All the perfect couples said, ‘When you know you know,” and, ‘when you don’t you don’t.’” Your friends have more than likely told you that it’ll come along when you least expect it, and you’ve probably rolled your eyes. But it’s true.
Once you focus on yourself and find what makes you happy beyond someone else’s validation, you’ll be abundantly more at peace. Things will start to come to you, not necessarily in love but also in other areas that you never would have expected. Walking away will always hurt at first, but it will leave space for something else to come along that will undoubtedly choose you back.