Many women do not realize how much of their lives have been shaped by the desire to be chosen. What I mean by this is that, from very early on in our lives, we’ve been taught to put men before us — their comfort, feelings, and emotions. Their actions have constantly been minimized and pushed under the rug with simple phrases such as “boys will be boys” or “he’s being mean because he likes you.” These comments sound small, but they add up to paint the bigger picture that is this: women have been taught their whole lives to tolerate, expect, and even crave bad behavior from men.
I find myself increasingly noticing that the women in my life are centering men far too much. It shows up in implicit ways. Some women meet a man and immediately begin evaluating whether they’d date him or not without considering the prospect of friendship. Conversations with our friends almost always involve boy talk — which is bound to happen anyway, but sometimes it feels like the only thing going on.
Once women enter the talking stage and begin to get attached, it’s common to analyze text tones and response times, and become so consumed by it that it could cause a mood shift. And, of course, we all know the classic example of a woman who starts dating a man and begins to cut off her friends.
When a man does one small, hurtful thing, it’s easy to obsess, vent about it to friends, and let it become all-consuming for days, or even weeks on end.
Reality check: we’re losing the plot. Why are we making men the forefront of our lives when we have our own lives to live?
Centering men doesn’t happen naturally, as many people believe. Rather, it happens from a young age, when we are taught that being liked is more important than being independent and ambitious. Young girls are praised for being pretty and agreeable, while boys are taught to reach their goals and take up space. So, the mindset is curated very early on: our value is built on how others, especially men, perceive us.
Media, such as movies, television, music, and social media, also frame romance as some sort of higher purpose for women. Female characters are characterized as incomplete until they are chosen by a man in almost every movie or TV show. Think of literally any Disney princess movie — every single one of them involves a prince who saves the day. Or romcoms; an extremely popular genre that idealizes romance, but at the same time, often reduces women to compliant and all too forgiving romantic partners. Even while scrolling social media, women are constantly exposed to content that encourages them to question whether they are attractive enough, desirable enough, or worthy enough for male attention.
You may have heard of the Bechdel Test. This test is a scale for female portrayal in movies, requiring that a movie feature at least two named women who talk to each other about anything other than a man. According to a Bechdel Test movie list with currently 9,802 movies in the database, 57.1% of movies pass all three tests. While that is technically more than half, it also means that nearly half of the thousands of films fail to meet even this minimal standard. If so many stories cannot portray women speaking to one another outside the context of men, it reveals how deeply male-centered storytelling still is.
One more reason for the male-centered pattern I will mention is the fear of being alone. Many women are taught that being single at the end of their lives means that they’ve failed. Broadly speaking, this results in women staying in unhealthy relationships, lowering their standards, or obsessing over getting attention from men. Feeling chosen, for many of us, feels safer than being lonely.
The craziest part is that we don’t analyze these implicit actions enough, because women have been socialized into this for so many years that centering men can feel normal. So much time, confidence, and identity are shaped around men and their approval.
If you’re reading this article and feel it could be about you, I’m also here to offer a reframing that could help you begin the process of decentering men from your life.
At the end of the day, boys are boys. Not all of them are evil, but not all of them will treat you well. The thing is, you can’t control anyone’s behavior or reactions toward you. But you can handle how you react and carry yourself.
None of us owes men anything, especially when they literally aren’t doing anything good for our mental health. And yet, so much time, energy, and conversation is being spent on them. Think of everything else you have going on in your life. You have friends, school, and other commitments. You have opportunities waiting for you that you don’t even know exist yet. And none of these things have been handed to you by a man. You’re doing amazing things and living your life all on your own.
My main advice is to pour more energy into things that will give back to you, like your best friends or your career. Lean deeper into your hobbies. Focusing on these things will certainly help you raise your standards and confidence, and in the end, you’ll notice your lessened anxiety and heightened confidence.
You are the only person who has control over your life, and you have the power to give yourself that agency. Once you begin focusing on other things, that guy who isn’t texting you back won’t be living rent-free in your head for any longer.
The goal here is absolutely not to hate men or avoid relationships entirely; of course, we all want to be loved. The goal, however, is to stop abandoning in the process of wanting one. A relationship is meant to add to your life, not become your life. They aren’t the main characters. You are. So, let’s start acting like it.