Content warning: this article contains mentions of assault, rape, and other sensitive topics.
To be honest, I’ve had this article sitting in my drafts for over a year at this point. My 3,470 word article was riddled with countless instances of being sexually assaulted, catcalled, harassed, degraded, slut-shamed; the list goes on. The true reality of being a woman that men never care to pay any attention to. I didn’t publish it, however, because it never quite felt finished.
I kept experiencing new instances of harassment, or assault, or slut-shaming, and would add it to my article. What started as a deep dive about the unspoken realities of girlhood soon became an ongoing list of the disrespect women face on a daily basis.
I eventually came to realize that I don’t need to name off occasion after occasion of being sexually assaulted or harassed to show what the reality of being a woman is like; us women have already lived it. We don’t need yet another reminder of what it’s like, in this day and age, to be a woman.
I have had to experience things that no man will ever experience, let alone even understand. I dread walking down the streets of my hometown at night, paralyzed with fear that I’ll be followed or catcalled. I always have a voice in the back of my head telling myself not to drink too much when I go out, wanting to be in my right mind in case I get groped or assaulted. My body fills with anxiety at the thought of having sex with someone I don’t know very well, scared of being put in a situation I can’t get out of. I can’t even get into a talking stage with a man, terrified they’ll treat me worse than the last one did.
It’s unfortunate that this is the reality of what it’s like being a woman — that girls worldwide would rather be left alone in the woods with a bear than a random man (can we take some time to comprehend how insane this is?), but it appears as though this is just the society that we live in. A society where, rather than criticizing men for their actions, we somehow manage to turn the blame onto women, for what men do to them.
You got catcalled? Well, why were you walking alone at night?
He groped you? You were asking for it with that outfit.
You said no? What a prude.
He hit you? What did you do to make him put his hands on you?
Your drink got spiked? Why weren’t you keeping an eye on your cup? Are you sure you didn’t just drink too much?
He slut-shamed you? What were you expecting wearing a top that tight?
The excuses that society makes to defend a man’s behavior are never-ending, and it is pathetic. I dream to someday live in a world where men and women are treated as equals, but I know that it’s unachievable.
We currently live in a society where women are judged and called “unhygienic” for not shaving all of their body hair off, while men always have armpit hair longer than a MF CVS receipt.
Additionally, it has somehow become normalized that the primary reason for sex — besides conception — is for the man to finish, because a woman’s pleasure has, for some reason, become optional. Women are congratulated by their friends if a hookup makes them finish because of how rare it is for a man to care about a woman’s orgasm.
Plus, it’s all too common where a man is praised for having a high body count but a woman is slut-shamed if she has more than one sexual partner in her entire life. And don’t even get me started on the rules currently being made against women’s rights in this country. Banning abortions and certain forms of birth control, restricting IVF — it’s all meant to control women and their bodies.
I recently saw a video talking about the idea that if men didn’t need to use toilet paper, it wouldn’t be free in public restrooms. While I first almost scoffed at this idea, I realized after watching the video how society has designed life to revolve around men in every way. Periods are a natural bodily function but because it’s not an issue for men, tampons aren’t free — and this same rule would apply in regards to toilet paper.
It’s these sorts of double standards that I just cannot comprehend. Why do we live in a patriarchal world where men are valued more than women, and how are we supposed to protest this when the people elected to into power, are men?
Before publishing, I sent this article to one of my guy friends, just to get his thoughts. His response was, and I quote, “the reality of being a man: trying to survive the allegations that all men are bad.” While I have never received a more tone-deaf text in my entire life, maybe he has a point. Maybe it’s not all men, but somehow, it’s always a man.
I could go on and on about the misogyny that still, and will forever, occur in this world. I could give statistics and facts, like how it was legal for a man to rape his wife until barely thirty years ago, or how women needed a man’s permission to own a credit card until the ’70s, but what good will another reminder of our country’s inequalities do for us women?
I’ve been struggling writing an ending to this article because, for some reason, it doesn’t feel finished. It still feels like I have more to say — more inequalities and unfairness to add on.
Recently, I was rewatching the Barbie movie, and came to realize the pure accuracy of America Ferrera’s icnonic monologue. Perhaps it’s cliché, but I’ll end my article off with Ferrera’s monologue — because why not?
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.”