Okay, first things first, I’m getting two things out of the way — broccoli and anything fish-related does not, in fact, go on a pizza. I honestly don’t understand the hype with cheese and broccoli; it just doesn’t work for me. I feel like I don’t need to explain further about the fish (which includes but is not limited to just anchovies) because sadly, I’ve had other fish on pizza.
Moving on, let’s go over some classics, like pepperoni on a pizza. With pepperoni, you can never go wrong. Pepperoni can be so versatile yet simple; you can change it up with different meats or keep it plain and simple, and it’s still so good. I can’t forget to mention the extra grease it releases, adding to that classic oiliness you want in a pizza. I feel that sausages go alongside this because, once again, you have so many varieties and options that add to the flavor and pizza-eating experience. One thing I can say, however, is not to go overboard because there is such a thing as too much oil.
Two other classics are chicken and bacon. Again, these two go-to options are simple but easy to mess up. I can’t tell you the number of times I ordered bacon on my pizza, and it was burnt. Burned bacon, although a classic, is not something that should be on pizza. Not to mention, it is prone to getting stuck in your teeth. The success of chicken honestly depends on where you get it from. Most times, it’s okay. In some places, it’s perfectly flavorful without being too overpowering, but then you have places where it tastes like saltfish, speaking from experience.
Okay, starting to get on the controversial side, I believe pineapple and ham do belong on pizza. Honestly, I don’t tend to order it, but I understand the hype; pineapple and ham are a dream combo that balances each other so well. Anything pineapple and ham go together, and I stand by that.
The next two toppings are mushrooms and olives. I understand mushrooms; they’re basically a blank canvas where you can change the flavor or add texture. Olives, on the other hand, I don’t understand. I guess I understand that other people like their olives, but you will never catch me eating one.
Before moving on, I want to give credit to some honorable mentions. I feel like the biggest classic, at least in America, is a cheese pizza, and I stand for it as a classic comfort food. Technically, it’s not a topping, but garlic powder is also needs to be mentioned. Garlic powder is good for everything; it enhances the flavors of anything its added to. The last honorable mention would have to be pepper flakes, which can be another acquired taste, but that extra kick always makes things better in my opinion.
Now it’s time for the real fun — condiments. Hate me if you want, but I stand with ketchup on pizza, with exceptions. Personally, I only add ketchup if it’s dry pizza or I add too much pepper sauce (which is another topping to add to the list.) I think pepper sauce should be an option to spice everything up, or maybe that’s the Caribbean influence in my blood. One thing I cross the line with, though, is mustard; mustard should never go on anything. This one needs a bit of backstory. I moved from New York to New Jersey when I was small, and the only options they had to go on the pizza at school were ranch and honey mustard. I just couldn’t bring myself to try it. The last condiment I have only recently heard about and never tried is honey on pizza. It was someone’s biggest “hear me out” during freshman seminar, so if they were brave enough to say it, then it either had to be really good, or they had messed up taste buds. Either way, eventually, I will build up the confidence to try it … one day.
Okay, I feel like since I judged everyone on their pizza choice, it’s only right I say mine. So I’m actually gluten-free and now forced to eat gluten-free pizza, a real hit or miss if you ask me. My go-to is frozen cheese pizza with the cauliflower crust. You may ask why I buy plain after all of my rantings, but that is because I make something called junk pizza. I take everything in my fridge and freezer and put it on the pizza. More often than not, this is spinach (surprisingly good on pizza because it’s not overpowering and it loses its spinach taste), mushrooms (I already explained), whatever meat is in my fridge (just cut into tiny cubes and sprinkled all over the pizza), and this one might freak people out, but I slice (I’m talking paper thin) onions and put them on my pizza (because the flavor is impeccable.) Now I’ll put you onto something — remember how I said garlic powder elevates every dish? Well, it tastes even better during the cooking process! Ten minutes into my pizza baking, I take it out and add garlic powder and pepper flakes, and it really makes a difference. At the fifteen-minute mark, I take out my pizza, and then I eat it without ketchup because it is just that good. 10 out of 10, I recommend you find your perfect combo for junk pizza because it’s affordable, could be healthier than ordering a pizza, and so worth it.