Day One: 1:45pm
Well it’s past one in the afternoon and no coffee has entered my body. Even though I should be on cup number two by this time.
Do I feel tired, you ask? Yes. Yes I do. How do people not drink coffee? How are they not laying on the side of the road dying of pure exhaustion? That’s where I should be right now. Laying down on the side of Belvior, where those dumb new brick sidewalk things that you can’t park on are. I could just sprawl and watch cars of fully caffeinated people drive by. Squirrels would eat my remains.
10:03pm
One day down with no coffee. Pulse is still pumping. Death is imminent. I can feel it. I’ll be besties with the Grim Reaper by the time I wake up in the morning. If I wake up.
In the words of my home boy, Winston Churchill, “I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Whoever is living in the clouds better be waiting for me with the biggest cup of coffee ever with some cream and sugar.
Wow, that was dramatic. I need some coffee.
Day 2: 9:30am
On my morning stroll to Admin for my 10am, I passed one of my old SWAT babies, and instead of being greeted with our usual ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ pleasantries, he asked me when I went to bed because I look like a zombie. Well that’s what every girl wants to hear to start her day off. Gee, thanks.
Now, I am sitting in my favorite place on campus, Einstein’s. The smell of coffee might be driving me crazy a little. But I have a muffin so it’s all good here. The look Chris-from-Einstein’s gives me when I said no drink was one of pure confusion. Oh yeah, because I get two cups of coffee from her every day, we are on a first name basis.
The fact that we have Monday classes on a Tuesday is also throwing me off. How can I be expected to know where I am going without my coffee? Whose idea was this? This is a sick joke.
2:14pm
Number of people asking if I was “okay” because I seem off or look tired: 8
10:57pm
Not feeling too tired. Just not in my body? I can see my arms and I can move them, but they don’t feel like they are attached to me. Am I still alive? Is this an out-of-body experience?! Have I reached enlightenment?! Or am I finally dead?
Day 3: 1:35
I am currently sitting in the basement of the library, and it feels like every person around me has a cup of coffee. Why don’t they share with me? How am I expected to focus on my work if everyone is taunting me with their coffee!? They can leave now, there’s the door.
Oh my gosh, a girl in a GESU uniform just walked by with Starbucks?! Aren’t you supposed to be in school right now? Or on Spring Break?! Or anywhere not drinking coffee. It will stunt your growth, child. She should just give it to me. For her health.
Okay, stop. The girl at the table next to me just took a picture of her coffee. What, are you going to go brag about it on Instagram? How hipster of you. Stop being basic, get over yourself…wow, I really need some coffee; I’m having dark thoughts.
5:27pm
I think my life is no longer worth living. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, “I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking….and the words-putting-into-sentence doing.”
Day 4: 2:58pm
I almost gave in today. I had an exam this morning, and I met a friend to study for it at Einstein’s. The coffee was speaking to me. It was saying, “Hey, Angelica, I taste really good and will make you feel so much better, and I might even help you focus and pass this exam. Just come and get me and all your problems will be solved.” Yeah, the coffee was a little chatty, but I powered through! Mostly, so I don’t have to start my 5 days all over again.
There are three things in this world I need to survive: water, oxygen, and coffee. So no coffee for four days = Angelica 6 feet under.
1:30am
I finally hit a wall. Exhaustion has taken over. A little after midnight, I stopped making sense. I think the best way to explain it is I word-vomited for an hour. I created a new word… “smoot.” It is a combination of sass, toot, and mouth. You know, things we shouldn’t worry about. Within a 10 minute time span, I had 4 people ask me if I was drunk because I was so gone. No, no I’m not, I’m just super, you know, tired. So now to bed.
Day 5: 9:40am
This is hard. Coffee is the reason I get up in the morning. I plan my day around my next cup of coffee: one before first class, one after classes, and sometimes one at night during a homework party. My head hurts, I threatened a sister with an umbrella yesterday (jokingly, but still). I concede, I can’t do it anymore. Coffee, baby, I’m coming home.
Coffee has never tasted so good. This is the taste of happiness. God, I need a nap.