The day starts quiet
The quiet tempts her to stay in bed just a little bit longer
Sleeping the day away has become a solution
As time passes, the feelings of guilt and regret flood her mind and the noise around her feels louder
Any conversation, any phone call screeches or blurs together
Her focus feels lost
Her whole being feels lost
Forcing herself to get out of bed and go to class, work, and to get food
Simple tasks have become so difficult
So terrifying
Throughout the day
All of her insecurities scream loud
All at once
And she looks in the mirror
Later trying avoiding any other reflections
Disgusted by her flaws
Crying as she raises food to her mouth
Not able to stop
Not able to feel during these moments
She can’t seem to calm herself down
When she is under pressure, she is too scared to scream
Too scared to say what she wants to say
Not wanting to keep feeling disregarded
Everything she does feels wrong, even when she knows it’s okay
Reflecting on every conversation and task over and over again
Analyzing if she did anything wrong and how she can fix it
Mind racing
But keeping her feelings inside with fear that she will bother someone
The panic can happen anywhere and at any time
The pulsing starts in her heart, rushing up and down her body
Transitioning back and forth from her wrists to throat
Hands and feet tingling
Legs weak, her body shutting down
Eyes feeling faint and heavy
Her warped vision makes her feel faint
Her heart pounding faster
And faster
Rapidly beating that she can almost see the heart beat in her eyes
Shaking a little bit more, trembling, teeth chattering
The sound of her heartbeat overpowers the background noise
Just as she starts to breathe
Everything stops
The ringing in her ears gets louder as she carries herself back to her room to the best of her ability
Her body feeling numb and heavy
And the overwhelming noise and the thoughts of her fears
Tempt her to stay in bed just a
Little
Bit
Longer
Day after day everything seems to repeat
Constantly in fear of the future
Feeling alone even when she knows she’s not
Walking from class scared of more panic and of what will happen next
When finally, suddenly
Without expectation or warning
Her muscles feel less tense
Her mind and thoughts feel less anxious
Gradually, a smile comes across her face as the wind brushes up against her skin
The crisp smell of fall is finally apparent to her senses
And she starts to feel better
After days, weeks, months of wondering what it’s like to feel normal again
Even if the feeling visits for a moment
She finally admits and believes that “It’s okay”
She can finally say those two words out loud and can finally listen to what’s going on around her
She can scream now, but with joy
She can allow herself to feel confident
She feels…
Good
That one simple word, that one feeling
Something that she hasn’t felt in a while
And though it seemed like forever
And that nothing ever would feel right
She realizes that it happens
Just
Like
That.